Little Ganyos

Tuesday Musings - Windows

2011-01-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

I have always loved windows. Their function is essential. Here, on this side of the invention of Electricity, they are sometimes the only source of much needed natural light in our days. Those sweet, warm rays of 'real' light have an amazing way of soothing our souls. Even more than their function though, I am taken with their form. When Brian and I were visiting Boston, I obsessively photographed nearly a hundred windows - mostly old, ratty distressed one - some with broken hinges and crooked shutters - those were my favorite. But even the windows on the newer buildings were so rich in character, typical of the New England style. Both in my house and here in Bellybou' there are old window frames hanging on walls. They have such a presence. But more than both form and function, what draws me to these ancient architectural staples is their rich symbolism. Cliche though it may be, the window is a universal representation of vision, view, perspective and the existence of life outside of ourselves.
Growing up, I lived at the end of a rarely frequented cul-du-sac. My bedroom window faced the front of the house and thus I had a perfect view of the street, often barren except for the occasional neighbor coming home or lost driver needing to turn around. The stillness outside my window was my solace. At night, when it was most quiet, I would stare out into the nothingness, the view was so familiar and unchanging it seemed to disappear and became a blank canvas for whatever mental pictures my mind was drawing forth. I cant even begin to try and number the life altering decisions that were made while starting through that 4x6 piece of glass but they were many, that's for sure. That window was covered in real wooden louvered shutters (which have since been taken down and now serve as inventory displays in Bellybou'). The sound of their opening and closing is so nostalgic. To this day it instantly takes me back to my days on wonder, when contemplations about life and the universe ran wild in my mind and possibilities for the future seemed limitless. My spot just inside that window is a truly sweet one. I will never forget it.
Despite having lived in a myriad of different places, all fashioned with some amount of windows, there has yet to be a window as significant as the one I just described. Until now. As I was perusing Facebook (I embarrassingly admit that I do that from time to time), I stumbled across these photos and I was struck by the instant realization of the significance of this window. And though I am presently hoping, praying with all faith and fervor to escape detention from behind its view, it has already left its mark of significance on my life. I have spent an approximated 2850 hours behind this window and during the course of that time have experienced full spectrum of my emotional repertoire. I have wept achingly, rejoiced with jubilation, raged with fury - and everything in between. I have lived a lot of life from this view, decided on a lot of things like what to name my child and to teach my children at home (I may not have been able to make that decision had I not had this chance to be away from home for a time). Regardless of how I will ultimately characterize the summation of my time here, the fact is that this window's view, the perspective with which I see the world from here - and all of the thoughts and feelings that go along with that, have made lasting impressions on my life.
So, I celebrate this window. And all the windows that have ever shaped my view of life by providing me with a backdrop on which to think and ponder and dream and change and grow and cry and work and rest.
I am happy to have these photos to commemorate its creation. Little did I know then what this 18'x10' wall of glass would mean to me.

No glass yet. Just frame. We would walk right through them.

Coming along.

Hiding what's inside.

There she is. I like looking through the other way - a view I rarely have

except on my usual mad dash to get inside on time.

Are there meaningful windows from your past or present? What significance do they hold?

Until next time.......

You Are One Amazing Dad (and husband) If You.........

2010-12-28T16:21:00.000-08:00

.... get your daughter ready for the Father/Daughter Dance all by yourself - including removing sponge rollers and hair spraying hair - and also get yourself ready - while watching all 3 kids.
.... you take all 3 kids to Costco. Or Target. Ever.
.... you, on your own with not even a hint from your wife, discover how very low both your daughters are on much needed tights and decide to take all the kids to Target to buy some new ones. And you buy all the right sizes and colors so your wife does not have to go back and exchange anything.
.... you decide its time to take down the baby's crib and put up her big girl bed after first cleaning the (toy ravaged) room - with no help or request from your wife - while also watching all 3 kids.
... you notice the straggly ends of the baby's hair and decide its time she needs a little trim - cut it yourself (impeccable job) and blow dry to make sure it looks good - while on your own with the kids.
... you successfully grocery shop your own, with all 3 kids.
... you are willing to fill in at your wife's maternity shop so she can spend a little much needed time with the kids - despite your agonizing fear of having to help customers with items such as nursing bra's and pregnant pantyhose - and having to wrap purchased items in tissue before placing them in bags.
... you take both your daughters with you to your work Christmas Party - in Fresno - even when your mom offers to watch them instead - and stop along the way to pick up some children's laxative for one who is a little constipated.
... you send your wife frequent and detailed updates - often including pics and videos - to her while she is away so she can know all that went on in the day. (She loves the details)
... you do all of these things with a happy and willing heart.

I love you, Brian.

Tuesdays Musings - Christmas Gifts

2010-12-28T15:42:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking lately about how Christmas gifts have changed over the years for me. The quantity of gifts has greatly reduced from my younger days (I am an only child, remember - my former years were good to me) yet the quality has surely increased. In addition, I seem to count the non-material gifts I receive more and more significant every year. This year is no exception. I am truly truly grateful for the abundance of blessing in my life, though it rarely be packaged as I would have thought best, it leaves very little room for want. This year I am particularly grateful for the following:

LIFE OUTSIDE THE SHADOW
For since the law has but a shadow of the good things to come instead of the true form of these realities, it can never, by the same sacrifices that are continually offered every year, make perfect those who draw near. Hebrews 10:1
As I ponder the great gift of Christ's arrival on Earth, I am increasingly grateful to live on this side of the most momentous event in all of history, to experience the 'good things to come' - the out pouring of God's grace and the lifting of the heavy burden of stringent law upon his people. I must confess my increasing gratefulness might be rooted in some recent literary indulgence. I have been reading a series of novels by Beverly Lewis about a family of young Amish girls and the deeply tragic drama of their overly-simplistic lives. The contrast here is striking and reminds me that no matter how much you strip away from life in the realm of the material, the complexity and intensity of the human emotional experience is never any less. I am also struck by the tremendous weight of lawfulness that is carried throughout their insulated culture. Their love and passion for the Lord is admirable but their rationale for such devout adherence to strict conduct is amiss. Very sad. Yet this vivid journey to the inner workings and resulting emotional turmoil of this legalistic society has made me so, so glad for the glorious freedom Christ brought with him in his descendent to this world. So glad to be liberated from the need for continual sacrifice to cover my shame.
Otherwise, would they not have ceased to be offered, since the worshipers, having once been cleansed, would no longer have any consciousness of sins? But in these sacrifices there is a reminder of sins every year. Hebrews 10:2
Isn't it so true that when we seek our own penance we are only more and more aware of our sin? Consciousness remains.
Consequently, when Christ came into the world, he said,
"Sacrifices and offerings you have not desired,
but a body have you prepared for me. Hebrews 10:5
These dear scriptures bring such weightlessness to my soul. God is not the least bit impressed with my feeble and futile attempts to reconcile myself to Him, to make up for my own weaknesses or rid myself of my shame. For He prepared a body, a Gift, and I will gladly receive.

TRADITION
I may as well have coined the phrase 'familiarity breeds contempt'. I am always into change, moving on, trying something new. So naturally, I have never been big into tradition. No two Christmases have ever looked the same for our little family. I think it's to be expected that in the early years of family life holiday traditions remain a work in progress. However, now that my kids have approached the age where they form solid lasting memories, I feel its high time to nail down some meaningful traditions we can keep for years and years to come. Cutting down a tree in the forest, baking copious amounts of cookies, caroling, tree lighting ceremonies, candy cane lane - these are fun and great but I can not commit to doing them every year. Whatever it is we decide to make a lasting tradition needs to have more significance, promote togetherness rather than the potential for strife (as in many of the afore mentioned events - if you saw my recent Facebook post you'll know what I mean) and not require much money or busyness.
So, after a discussion amongst friends and a few hours of research online, I am happy to say that we have made some progress. I stumbled across an ancient tradition that seems to be lost among contemporary church today called the Jesse Tree. It is a part the traditional Advent celebration in the Reformed Church of America. Though I don't know from where the tradition originated exactly, it seems that it was common for English churches to bear either an engraving of a Jesse Tree or a stained glass version. The Puritan movement nearly brought an end to this tradition, at least in our country, with its efforts to purge the church of any and all 'graven images'. Now it seems to be making a comeback, if not in churches, then in homes, at least, as it serves as a great Christmas family devotion. The tree acts as a kind of family tree for Jesus. Though not a precise genealogy, it bears a variety of symbols each representing a person on the storyline of God's rescue plan for the world. It begins with creation, includes many other significant Biblical characters and then picks up Christ's line of descent starting with Jesse, the father of David. Its puts the Christmas story into perspective of the bigger picture of the Bible as a whole, something I am eager for my children to know and understand.
Our Jesse tree is made from some broken branches off a tree in our backyard and some felt ornaments I threw together sloppily in a creative flurry (very, very) late one night. I also bought a great book called the Jesse Tree by Geraldine McCaughrean to read each night (there are 25 stories, one for each day of Dec) as we adorn the tree with its rich symbols, one by one. I can't say we did it every night. In fact, we have landed ourselves quite a ways behind as this past week has been extra full, but it is a start, a beginning and I am grateful to have learned about this and been able to incorporate it into our celebratory festivities this year and for many years to come.
So, tradition and I are making amends. I think we have a strong future together.

TALENT
This is an odd one, I know. And before you go thinking that I am about to rattle off a list of my special abilities to make myself look good, let me explain.
This year has been one of tremendous introspection for me. I have spent more time than in any other of my 30 short years hashing over the underlying roots of my tendencies, thoughts, and behaviors. Naturally, I am almost always focused the negative - that which I want to change. It wasn't until I began reading the Strengths Finders book that I realized how intensely focused on I had been on all the billions of things I do wrong and ways I need to improve. The book states that something like 97% of the time we spend seeking to improve ourselves, be it in the workplace or in relationships, is devoted to weakness rather than strength. I found that statistic quite enlightening as well as the notion that there is equally great value in better understanding our strengths, how to use them more often and more efficiently and that doing so may even yield greater success from our efforts towards self discovery and growth.
StrengthsFinders, which is based on a large body of research conducted by Gallup, set up a classification system for our many different personality traits that includes a variety of different 'talents', as they call them. These 'talents' are temperamental, innate, intuitive as opposed to skills and abilities we acquire throughout our lives, and we all have them despite our tendency to live at least somewhat unaware of them and their full potential in our lives. Similarly, I have been reading another book on parenting that deals with re-focusing' our attention from the negative aspects of our children's emerging personalities and trying to better understand how the different parts of their temperament, though they may make for more challenging days as a parent, can actually be positive characteristics that help lead them to success. The shift that has taken place in my own mind from negative to positive, weakness to strength, with regard to both myself and my kids, has been so encouraging. I am glad to know that despite my various character flaws, I might actually have some underlying talent that might end up doing me some good someday. Maybe it has already. I am grateful for even the notion of it after a long year of true-self exposure and the endless struggle to improve my many weaknesses.

PRESENCE
More than ever before I am so grateful for the time I am present in my home with the company of my children. Yes, being at home with little kids can make you crazy, and it does, but on days like today when I have to be gone all day long, my grief over the harried house, endless noise and occasional fighting are really put into perspective. I am happy to spend all the time with them that I can in this terribly short little season of life.
Also, some fruit of my aforementioned introspections has been realizing (remembering) just how much I need to be with people, friends, community. I have renewed appreciation for the many opportunities I have in my life to connect with people. I sometimes neglect them as I am so easily distracted by other busyness and ambitions but the presence of Christ here on earth reminds me of the great gift of presence - other's in my life and mine in theirs. Thanks, to those of you who I do life with, for being faithfully present friends.

That does it for now. This post in now and entire week late - let's just say I was too busy savoring the freedom Christ brings, cherishing sweet moments with my children, building lasting memories of traditions rich in significance and relishing sweet time with family and friends - and not scurrying around from store to store for last minute gifts, wrapping presents until the we hours of the morning, or trying to make the house look somewhat decent for when family arrives......

Until next time...........

Tuesday Musings - Still to come.......

2010-12-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

I am doing my best to stick to this weekly thing but I gotta' cut myself a little slack here. I have drafts, but I am signing off for the night. Stay tuned. :)

Tuesday Musings - Firstfruits

2010-12-10T19:00:00.000-08:00

6 years ago, upon the purchase of our first home, we bought a Meyer lemon tree. We knew it may not produce fruit in the first year or two but we were not prepared for such a long a tedious wait. Year after year we tended to our little tree, taking it with us each time we moved (luckily, it was in a barrel) and going to great lengths to make sure it had the right nutrients, proper drainage, and warmth during frosty nights. There were many times we thought she was a goner but we kept at it. Lo and behold, last month we finally picked our very first lemon. Our first fruit.

I can not help but think of how this lemon tree experience parallels my life as a whole, and particularly parenting. Sometimes it feels like the wait for evidence of our labors is endless. As parents, we know to expect it but still, it is no less difficult to patiently await the fruit of your efforts in your children's lives, wondering if and when it will ever come. I often get wrapped up is wanting so badly to see results of my labor that I forget how valuable the process in between can be. Take homeschool for a simplified example. I really really wanted to know that Hayden was mastering the concepts we were covering in math, that his reading fluency was improving, that his worldview, in light of significant portions of our worlds history, was taking shape. Now that our first semester is coming to a close, I can say with confidence that we have achieved each of those things yet the most exciting and beneficial part of this experience so far is not that we can say he has met certain benchmarks but rather how profoundly I am being changed. Day in and day out I am challenged - my patience is tested like never before, my nerves are grated on relentlessly, a new light is shed on my own idolatry of productivity and efficiency. I realized quickly that if this was going to work for our family, I needed to give some considerable attention to my own flaws which have become exacerbated and exposed. Like in all areas of parenting, the process, more than in the end result, is where the good stuff lies.

So for now I will content myself with the little traces, the hints, the glimpses of the things we are striving for. Like when Hayden surprises us with a genuine attempt to console his sister after accidentally hurting her or when he actually puts his shoes on without having to be told before stepping out of the house. Or when Halle articulates herself with maturity and poise and tells her brother that his actions make her feel like he loves her less. And when Elena, after kicking and screaming with the strength of a full grown mastiff all the way up the stairs, quietly crawls under her covers, whispers 'ba-ba' to ask for her binky and then closes her eyes and sleeps. Such sweet fruit.

Here are a few pics of some recent fruit we are bearing.

Elena learning to cook......

Sister bonding......

And finally, the fruit of our effort to limit the time our children (boy) spend playing video games: If no wii, no ipod, iphone, or computer, the silly games on his sister's pink camera will do just fine. Sigh.

Until next time..............

My New Friend

2010-11-30T18:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. I have no excuse for this recent hiatus from blogging other than that I just haven't felt like writing. Thoughts and ideas circulate in my head but they never reach a point of culmination necessary to even begin a post. Maybe this is because my musings of late have been heavy, deeper than usual, and thus, harder to articulate. Maybe I am wrestling with some lingering insecurity over the impressions I leave on my readership. Maybe I am just lazy and inconsistent. Regardless, I am moving on.

I recently made a new friend. This friend has been around for a long time and although I have always known about her, I had yet, in all my 30 years, to acknowledge her as a friend. In fact, I have fostered quite a bit of animosity toward her throughout my life and it wasn't until these past few weeks as I was so burdened my the weight of my hatred that I decided I would try to relinquish my ill-feelings and embrace this ever-faithful, never changing, with-you-'till-you-die kind of friend. Her name is Brokenness. She sticks close.

As an enemy, Brokenness brings a huge burden of shame and remorse. I know this very well. There is an inevitable cyclical pattern to my life that starts with a season of unabated effort to stake victory over my enemy followed closely by the crushing disappointment of yet another defeat. I am trapped. Longing to feel good about myself, my actions, my decisions, my being, my pride seeks hard after conquest of the habitual fleshliness that follows me everywhere I go. Functioning under the self-inflicted pressure to overcome it is exhausting. As a perfectionist, I often have a firm, all-or-nothing approach to things in my life and it serves to forcefully perpetuate this cycle. I end up saying to myself, (not out loud or even consciously), 'If I cant overcome my character flaws, then why even try? Useless.' And down goes the spiral until something leads me again to the delusion that I can change myself.

So, as the saying goes "if you cant beat 'em, join 'em. And so I will align myself on the same side as Brokenness and see where that leads.

As a friend, Brokenness ushers me into a true humility - one that accepts grace and allows me to see others through it's lens. There is tremendous freedom and weightlessness. I sort of flail around in the 5 stages of grief as I attempt to deal with my flaws and imperfections. I deny their existence, I become angry, I try to bargain with God to just take them away so I can feel 'normal', sometimes I become depressed for a time until whatever ailment is no longer so fresh in my mind, but I never seem to come to a place of true acceptance. Embracing my own brokenness is a huge step in that direction. It seems so counterintuitive to accept something for what it is, to just let it be and call that progress yet no more so than the notion that to truly live, one must first die, and that in serving lies a greater reward than in being served.

I am looking forward to exploring more the idea that our weakness can be our greatest strength. I am curious to know what that really looks like in my life with Brokenness as a friend. I have always believed that God is more that able to bring good from even the worst in me and even though I know in my head it is not limited to this, I usually tend to see and expect that 'good' to come in the form of relief, removal, complete acquittal, 180 degree change. Once again, my expectations prove false and I am left with none. Yet, I am hopeful that my journey with my new friend will be an exciting one.

Have you begun this journey yet? Do you have stories to share?

Until next time......

Tuesday Musings - Clearing Spaces

2010-09-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

My home is a metaphor for my life in many ways. It's divided into fragments or, rooms, if you will, (in fact, as my life has become more fragmented we have coincidentally acquired more rooms) some of which I am more willing to invite you into than others. Some are (um..sometimes) clean, neat and well decorated (relative term!) and others are sad and neglected. There is inevitable damage from the wear and tear of life (often brought about by the same boys, ehm, people in both cases). It grows fuller by the year and contains my greatest joy.

I was reminded yesterday of yet another way in which the maintenance of my home parallels the maintenance of my life. It is so hard to clear spaces. One of the disadvantages of living in home bigger than you really need is that there are all these random spaces that are not actually necessary for containing things. For example, there are some cabinets at the top of our stairs along what would be the balcony of the second floor. I am obliged to set something decorative on top though my limited choice of objects has produced something far from interesting to look at. I assume these cabinets are meant to contain the linens of people who have more linens than are presently being used in bedrooms and bathrooms. (which is not us). What this counter top-type space is good for however, is the piling up of all kids of random objects set there by 4 people who shall remain anonymous as they travel up and down the stairs. Its ornaments often include, in addition to the too few and too small shabby (not chic) picture frames intentionally put there, a showering of miniscule lego parts, open tubes of lip-gloss, dirty laundry, week (some even older!) old dishes and cups that have been hiding under beds and in closets (or in plain sight on someone's desk!) awaiting their voyage to the dishwasher (or trash!) piles of trash or other items to discard and of course, poopy diapers. Keeping this thing clear is impossible. It is my nemesis when it comes to housework. It attracts clutter with a magnetism that is beyond my strength to conquer.

Come to think of it, this is a lot like life in general. I often mindlessly fill up spaces in my life with meaningless tasks just to be doing something. The stillness which often precludes the realization of emptiness is fearfully avoided. I long to clear out space in my life; in my heart and in my mind; space that will allow me to move with greater freedom and less discomfort. But too often there is clutter. It seems that as soon as I muster up the energy to clear it away, another batch comes charging in, just like at the top of my staircase.

Sometimes it's even hard to want to make or clear out space in my life. I previously wrote about an article that discusses our inherent tendency to abhor emptiness and spaciousness. (This was in my post on FOMO or, fear of missing out, for you newcomers - where I mentioned my fear of emptiness, be it of mind, heart or schedule being related to my fear of missing out on some experience to be had)
There was a season of my life during which stillness, silence and emptiness sat well with me. If you haven't already guessed, this season was prior to my becoming a mom. These days with all the stuff and the noise and activity anything else feels so foreign. One would assume the opposite would be true; that the crazier things get the more we would need silence and calm but sadly, their perceived value diminishes the less they are known.

In recent weeks my heart, my head and my schedule have been as full as ever. My heart is heavy for friends who are grieving and tired from fiercely working toward a sustained connection in my marriage. My head is swirling with thoughts, facts, observations, standards and a bigilloin other things related to schooling my child at home as well as aching from thoughts related to the future of a failing business. My schedules is double, even triple booked on some occasions and the next few weeks bring no relief.

There is no space.

Lord, help me clear some.

In the meantime, I am not sure how much photo uploading I will be doing. So this is the perfect time to include some overlooked shots that should have been posted months ago.

Here they come...

Sweet Sisters

Last Day Of School

Here we are at Halle's last day of preschool

Elena had to do EVERYTHING the other kids did, including take a turn in the middle of the circle.

And climb up the very, very, tall tree house

Hal with her buds Ashlyn and Merin

Fourth of July

I have always loved this holiday. There are some many fun festivities and it means my B-day is only 4 days away (not nearly as exciting these days). We are not always super celebratory but one thing we always do is eat a breakfast of champions at the fire station. We love firefighters for many reasons but especially because they know how to cook up a mean pancake breakfast. This year we decided riding our bikes to the station was a good idea. Not so much. Not pictured here are the many tearful and frustrated faces we encountered as a result of unwanted helmets, drastically varying bike riding paces, tired legs and overly thirsty mouths thanks to the artificial juice and copious amounts of syrup we all consumed. It made for some cute pics though.....

E is NOT into her helmet.

Just out of the driveway - things still looked good.

Pre-meltdown

So cute (and rare)

NOT into the backpack either

VERY into the bounce house and giant blow up slide though. I took her down a few times with me but then as I was distracted talking to a friend, I see her at the very top all by her self and before I could say anything down she went. Oh well, she survived (and begged and begged to go again)

Until next time...........

Tuesday Musings - 8 Reasons Why I Love My Marriage

2010-08-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Brian and I celebrated our 8th Wedding anniversary.
Wow. 8 whole years. That is high school and college put together. (It's funny how I still judge lengths of time by comparing them to high school and college. I wonder if I will ever grow out of that.)
We went out on a little date to celebrate and had lots of good conversation; both of which are real treats around here these days.
I spent much of my day pondering the many things I appreciate about our relationship and I thought I might as well write about it.
Here it goes:
(Disclaimer: I am going to go ahead and skip the whole 'Im married to my best friend' cliche and just take that one for granted. Also, I am going to intentionally leave out anything that has to do with children. It is very rare these days that our marriage gets much thought or recognition all by itself without any mention of kids. I would like to do that here. )

1. It is hard - yes, my marriage is hard. Like most marriages it has it's good times and it's bad. But the inevitable difficulty that comes with intimately sharing a life with someone serves as a catalyst for all kinds of good stuff. Eventually. If I let it. The fact that marriage is hard reminds me that life is hard, at least sometimes, and that it doesn't do any good to whine or complain or try to run from the inevitable disappointments in our time here on earth. I have learned that tension and conflict are not as scary as they once seemed. There is no need to be ashamed of them and in fact, they are very important parts of growing together with someone else.

2. It changes me - like I said, good stuff often comes from the bad. My marriage is a fire - sometimes it burns but it refines me like nothing else. Lord knows I need refining. My marriage forces me to continually face my flaws and weakness head on and because ignoring them or pretending they are not there would be a great insult to my husband, I am forced to deal with them. And I am better off, for sure.
Never before have I been so aware of areas of my life that need changing and never before have I been as eager for the change to actually occur. I enjoy change and though it proves to be terribly difficult, I enjoy process of working toward healthy change in my life and person.

3. It is unique - there is no other marriage like it. I love that. No use comparing ourselves to other couples out there. They are not us. Brian and I recently revisited our Meyer's-Briggs personality profiles. It is so interesting to think about the many ways that we are different and the same. We are such a unique blend of varying personality trait, interests, desires, fears, etc. Knowing that really causes me to value our marriage for its specialty and appreciate the present state of our union, no matter what's going on.

4. My husband is very humble - One of the most attractive qualities I find in Brian is what I like to call his 'humble contentedness'. It's difficult for me to ascribe either of those two characteristics to myself despite my deep longing for them and he continuously inspires me to work toward them even more. Others may strive to prove themselves, to maintain an image or perception from others, an exhausting pursuit both to live and watch, from which I find such relief in Brian. This relief drew me to him like a magnet in the beginning. It still does. In my marriage I find freedom to be nothing but exactly who I am, ugly though she may be at times. Brian's humility frees him from needing me to be anything else. He needs no trophy. Not in the form of a wife or in any other form for that matter. He does not seek self recognition. He is a great example of how to live as an extrovert who deeply values social connectedness without needing others to validate his self worth. He is content with himself and what he has to offer.

5. My husband is adorable - this embarrasses him greatly, I know. Apparently being adorable is some kind of grave violation of one's manhood. I'm sorry, but it is true. Everyone who knows Brian loves him. He has a way of making people feel comfortable and making people laugh (and laughing with them). His laughter is contagious. His lightheartedness is refreshing. He takes a genuine interest in others and makes you feel important. You can not help but adore him. You know you do.

6. My Marriage is FUN - I married a very fun-loving guy who, as I mentioned, loves to laugh. He loves to remind me that because laughter is the hearts best medicine he is likely going to live longer than me. Sometimes I take myself a little too seriously and make too big a deal out something too small to worry about. (just sometimes) I am often relieved by Brian's 'Hakuna Matatta' approach to life. Even though we have slightly differing views about that constitutes 'fun' in regard to pastimes (i.e shopping, pedicures and having tea vs. hunting, fishing and gaming) we always manage to have a good time. Often times I find myself in need of some good old fashion fun and my marriage is a great place to find it.

7. It gets better by the year - I fear that at first glance this appears corny and cliche. But, what I mean to say is not that marriage is always, in every moment, better than before. Indeed there have been seasons when we have been worse off than ever. There is no telling what life will bring our way that will strain and test and try and even break us. But despite the lowest of lows, we emerge better, stronger, wiser, closer. Only by the grace of God. My marriage is such a vivid example of the working of God's redemption in our lives. If he lets us hit a low, enter the depths of the pit, its only so that He can pick us up and carry us out, so that He will be revealed and known in our lives.

8. My marriage is home - Like a child who thinks of running away or hides under the bed, there are times when I chose not to be fully present in my marriage, thinking that being somewhere else for a while, even just mentally, will provide me some kind of retreat. But no matter how hard I seek I will never know rest, comfort or companionship better than than I do when I'm at home. I love being home. For better or for worse, I am here to stay.

Old Friend

2010-08-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

Dancing is like an oxygen mask for my soul. It stretches, carves, nourishes, wounds, heals and grows my entire self - body and spirit. I often feel like I can't live without it. But alas, I have been without for too many years now. Aside from a short 3 year stint of teaching and running a very small little program, it has been almost 8 years since I have danced on any kind of regular basis and that makes me want to cry.

Upon turning 30, (which reminds me, I never did write about that big day) I made a resolution - If I ever want to dance again it needs to be now. If not, I fear my body will be too far gone to ever take the form of an experienced dancer again.

The pressure is on.

The problem is not that I don't want to pursue taking class somewhere, obviously, but rather a tragic lack of access. Sigh, the joys of small town life.

But I think I may have found a solution. It involves a somewhat lengthy drive and of course, a good deal of money but, like I said, it's now or never and I need to at least try. If there is any hope for my daughters to ever develop as well trained and versatile dancers, I have to have a better knowledge of what's out there in terms of instruction. Making the effort to arrange time in my schedule and funds in my budget to make this happen, even for just a little while, is something I feel I really need to do.

I would not normally write about (let alone publish) my thoughts on this except that I feel I need the accountability of knowing that if I don't follow through I will look like a dork (opps...too late :) ). I need someway way of formally instating that when it comes to taking dance class, I mean business. So, here it is: my manifesto,

I WILL DANCE AGAIN.

Hold me to it.

Tuesday Musings - Love Run Dry

2010-08-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am determined to get back on track here. My stint away from these blog posts can be likened to a teenager- rebellious and desperate for freedom - yet once out on her own miserably in need of some grounding. So may I be so bold as to say this blog keeps me grounded? It's far too easy for me to loose myself in the cacophony of thoughts that pour through my mind daily. Though I sometimes regret my commitment to a weekly blog post, I need this little ounce of order amidst such chaos. And here is where I find it, despite the pain of articulation.

Today I share with you a bit of my deepest parts. I am thankful for the seemingly spontaneous reflection that took place in me upon remembering a recent post on my very bet friend's blog. What was meant to be a brief comment quickly turned into a lengthy description of self-realization. So I will simply cut and paste. Here is what she wrote:

"Yes, there is that voice, the voice that speaks from above and from within and that whispers softly or declares loudly: "You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests." It certainly is not easy to hear that voice in a world filled with voices that shout: "You are no good, you are ugly, you are worthless; you are despicable, you are nobody - unless you can demonstrate the opposite." These negative voices are so loud and so persistent that it is easy to believe them. That's the great trap. It is the trap of self-rejection." Henri Nowen, Life of the Beloved

I'm reading The Bean Trees right now by Barbara Kingsolver. The main character spends much of the book loving a battered child into wellness. Attempting to care for her in a way that says you are worthwhile and that the past doesn't define you. And yet the world attempts to rob this child and her lover of the ability to fight and to continue thriving in love.

Have you ever witnessed someone changed by love?

There is evidence that love changes people. Changes their hearts, their bodies, their brain chemistry.

I know God's love has changed me. He loves me into living differently. I don't mean as much in my behaviors but in how I see myself and the world.

I hate that this world robs people of love and more that it robs them of the ability to receive love. It is a nasty, horrible thing. I cling to the hope that love can triumph, trumping the very walls that defend against it.

Love well, friends.

And here is what I wrote:

For the past several years my love has become little more than a reduction of what I know I am called to do and be both to God and the people around me. I have been somewhat aware of this sad truth for a while now but have spent little time actually thinking about it. Its dominance over my entire out look on and approach to life has come so far that I hardly noticed myself shut down and tune out as I briefly skimmed over this post for the first time. I immediately heard myself saying 'there is no room for this in your life now'. And indeed, I have made little room in my life lately for the kid of love that changes me, that moves me. And thus, I am stuck - stuck in a loveless life that is proving to be more miserable by the day - the only variable being how many or how few distractions there are present to keep my from the full awareness of this sad state.
For me, love has always needed to be about more than just a fleeting emotion, more that just a tingling feel-good sensation that no matter how deeply felt is always subject - to some degree - to circumstance. Even when I first began to date Brian and grew to love him, my love was much more about a process than a state of being. I have always been very skeptical about where my emotions lead.
Yet, I have known a love to much greater than the frivolity of my feelings - one that is more than just determination and commitment to faithfulness in a covenant relationship. I have known a love that cleans out my deepest wounds and slowly mends me back to health - a love that compels me to move in ways I would not otherwise move - a love that brings true life, change and growth.
But I have lost that love.
This morning in my journal (a makeshift one on notebook paper because, really, when was the last time I saw my journal?), before pondering any of this, I wrote:
'Something inside me feels lost and this void is making me fear loss all the more'.
If perfect love drives out fear than the absence of love causes is to grow. And so there I was (and still am) - buried in the rubble of my fear and lovelessness - not knowing where to turn.
Thankfully I live in the age of Biblegateway.com or else my neglect of my own personal Bible would surely be my detriment. I clicked onto my only known source of help in times of such desperation and I was led straight here:
'As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.'
I have been wandering around in the yard waste of dead branches spoken of in the preceding passages in John 15. I have had no distinguishable want for this kind of love in my heart of late. The irony is that more than ever I find myself wanting to MOVE, to change, to grow, to fear NOT yet I continue to reject the one and only true catalyst. Christ's unfailing LOVE.
In the past few weeks I have been stuck to the core by news of tragedy, unfavorable circumstance and persistent ill health. I bear wounds both new and reopened. I need Love - but not just any love - the abiding Love of Christ. I need to move. Just last night as I was running in my neighborhood, a neighborhood I once only dreamed of living in, I felt a desperate desire to move. What I translated as a desire to literally live in a different location was really a deep longing to MOVE and be moved in a way that only this lacking love can perpetuate. Thanks for helping me see what I have been so blinded to.

Until next time......

Entropy

2010-08-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

Today was our first day of homeschooling. It went surprisingly well. Despite a crazy last few weeks filled with family death, traveling, illness and no shortage of business drama, I must say things came together quite well. In fact, everything seems to be put together quite nicely right now. On top of a fantastic start to our school year I managed to complete all my normal Monday chores - I even had the kids help. The house id clean and in order and I am feelin' pretty good.

If it weren't for those darn loose threads........

I know too well that by tomorrow the seams will be beginning to bulge, clutter will begin its perpetual mount in the house, dust will again settle on everything. In two days I will feel little to no control over the spiraling chaos of life and by the end of the week I will be a complete mess. Then I have a day or two to pull myself back together and start the whole cycle over again.

Gotta love thermodynamics.

Tuesday Musings - In the Wake of Death.....

2010-08-03T23:02:00.000-07:00

.......there is a richness to life.

Last Saturday, I learned that my dear Grandma had passed away. We knew the time was coming but we were unsure how soon. Having been somewhat prepared for her departure, I was not totally shattered by the sad news. But, regardless of prior knowledge, there is inevitable sadness in death.

I stepped outside to talk to my mom on the phone away from the cacophonous Jedi adventure that was taking place inside the house and I took the baby with me to make sure she did not become a victim of light saber cross fire. As I sat on the porch trying to keep my precious little rascal of a girl entertained enough to prevent her from darting into the street, playing piggy with her toes and peek-a-boo with her belly, I was overcome my the depths of my affection for her and for all my kids. It was as if the deep sorrow I felt for the loss of my grandma carved an even deeper space in my innermost parts that was immediately flooded my the immeasurable and limitless love that continuously breeds inside a mothers soul. The news of death also seemed to bring about a sense of gratefulness for life exposing the meaninglessness of my many petty concerns and causing them to fade into faint memories. I was left with a truer, purer versions of myself, if only for a moment. My grief was juxtaposed by sweet joy my sorrow by gratitude and my loss by fullness. It was a strange but incredibly rich few fleeting moments in which I seemed to experience the full spectrum of human emotion at the same time.

In celebration of the richness of life and a life well lived by my sweet Grandma Betty, I share some photos of her wonderful life.

Fun, vintage baby pics

Do you see Halle here? I do.

With her brothers

Doll

I would wear this dress!

Love birds.

Skating partners

More clothes I would wear

Baby Sharon

Rocking the bikini

My mom rocked the big wedding hat

Baby Erica

No comments on the chub (mine), please. Thank you.

Mother's Day 2004

Fun with baby Hayden

Surprise 80th birthday party (a little out of order)

Very out of order but still worthy

Six

2010-07-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

My baby boy is six. I cant believe six whole years have gone by since I first began this adventure in motherhood. I know I say that every year but every year that is truly how I feel. I truly cant believe its been that long. Years have started to feel like months, months like weeks and days, well, assuming its not a terribly awful one, seem to fly by in the amount of time it takes me to blink twice. The looong and slightly monotonous days of being home with infants seems like ancient history yet it feels like only yesterday I was there. But enough about that, this post is not about my journey in life.

Hayden James has grown up a lot in the past 12 months. Going to school served in many ways as a rite of passage into the official world of kid-hood. I was reading in a book just last week that the 'tween' phase officially begins at six. I was shocked and after nearly vomiting from the instant horror of the word 'tween', i began to realize that it is true.

Aside from learning to read and add and a few unmentionable words, school has provided him a sense of confidence in his abilities, both mental and physical. Hayden also exhibits a strong confidence in his knowledge of what is best for others and really, really likes when those around him comply. When they dont, he is faced with the dilemma of how to respond and he was confronted with many of those instances while at school. While sometimes subtly (even brilliantly) manipulative, he has learned to let others make decisions for themselves and adapt his visions in a way that accommodates others preference's to think for themselves.

Hayden's strong will seemed to become even stronger over the past year. Going to school all day every day seemed to afford him a tremendous sense of autonomy, something he has been longing for since the day he was born, and it was often difficult for him to readjust after returning home. This has really served to exercise my ability to stand my ground which, in the end, is very good for me. Its as if Hayden can sense my tendency toward inconsistency and cunningly tries to promote it by wearing down my will and mental faculty with his incessant attempts to wield control. (Are you picking up on the control issue theme here?)

Hayden has always had an intense curiosity about him. His enthusiasm for the discovery of new things is often contagious. It is what has led me of late to learn more about space, planets, spacecrafts, and astronauts than I ever did in school or ever thought I would even want to know. His enthusiasm for the things he enjoys often borderlines obsession. This year we were glad to make our final move in the decent of the Thomas the Train obsession and have truly seen the end of what often felt like a never ending era of toy trains, silly books, videos with ridiculous songs, and all sorts of the usually forbidden licensed character paraphernalia. However, there was no clearer mark to this love affairs end than the exponentially growing affection for another........
...can you guess what that might be?
Yes, Star Wars.
We were more welcoming of his growing interest in the beloved classic stories, characters and related toys. Brian and I both enjoy star wars so we are finding ourselves much less annoyed by this recent fanaticism.
It is the same part of him that causes these intense fascinations that also drives his enthusiasm to learn about new things. I love this so much about Hayden and part of our decision to homeschool for at least the next few years was based on our desire to capitalize on this tremendous gift we see in our son. On his last day of kindergarden his teacher (who was not the type to even pretend she was going to miss her students once the year finally came to an end) said to me that she was going to miss Hayden's curiosity. That meant a lot to me and it affirmed that school had not (yet) sniffled his raw passion for and enjoyment of learning. I hope it never does.

He continues to enjoy basketball and played again under the headship of his father/coach. I really enjoy watching them both in action. I think Brian looks forward to the day when his players actually have enough attention span to learn something in practice and hopefully implement it into their game. Hayd also really enjoys baseball though we missed the opportunity to play little league this year. Next year I will have my act together. Legos have become the new favorite toy. The provide the same level, if not more, of creating, constructing, designing, re-designing and finally playing that wooden trains once did and he is no less enthusiastic. A new pastime that has come to consume a good amount of Hayden's energy is the Wii. Much to my chagrin, the boys has the makings of a full blown gamer. He is almost instantly good at whatever game he plays - it is incredible how quickly he has caught on. The day we found out our first born was a boy (you can read about that here) I vowed we would never own a gaming system. Oh, how things change. But my reasoning behind the selfish and fear driven - now broken - resolution are proving to be valid. How is it that boys can sit in front of the darn tv and wave a little controller around all day long and be perfectly happy about it?! I recently developed and implemented a system of time restraint for the Wii and as a result I finally am feeling reconciled to the blasted little machine that I was really starting to loath for its ability to completely entrance my son (and, lets be honest, my husband). Oh, boys.

I truly am so grateful to have a son. This precious boy stole my hear the moment I looked into his beady dark blue eyes. I have never been the same since and I have to desire to be. I sense Hayden's loyalty to me every moment of the day, even when he is pushing me to my wit's end. And even though it is often trumped by my responsibility to be the parent, our companionship and friendship are rich and sweet and they fill me up deep inside. I look forward to every bit of future we are afforded together in this life - learning, growing, discovering and loving.

Here are a few pics from his mellow, family birthday dinner.

The Darth Maul cake. Despite the terrible melty, sticky, disastrous attempt at fondant frosting, I was pretty pleased with how it turned out.

Gotta love the hands in the pants. Not an unlikely occurrence these days.

New backpack! (essential for Homeschool, right?) Thank you Pottery Barn for all your wonderful Star Wars gear.

More and more and more Star Wars Lego sets. These little pieces are starting to just blend into our home decor.

And this concludes the sixth birthday saga.

Backtracking......

2010-07-17T19:05:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the craziness of summer these photos of Hayden's last day of Kindergarten got lost. As you can see, we got to spend the whole day in his classroom. The irony here is that while I was really only welcomed into the classroom to actually help in some official way a handful of times, his teacher was very generous about letting me linger around randomly with my other two children in tow. So, I took whatever I could get. And the girls loved it. The kindergarten girls eagerly made room for Halle and Elena, pushing the boys out of the way, offering their seats and seats on their laps. I had more help than was actually helpful keeping my eye on Elena as she scrounged her way through every nook and cranny, every shelf, every cupboard and every trash can in the room. She just loves being with the big kids. This is the story of her life.

Here is our sweet friend Lauren. E is always glad to have such adoring friends.

Possessive.

This girl is ready for school! Too bad for me she wont sit like that at home.

Off and running at recess. The line to take Elena down the slide started to wrap around the blacktop it was so long. I think her popularity might have made her brother a wee bit jealous. The girls suddenly seemed less interested in him. How tragic.

Hayden and his good buddy David B.

Hayden and one of 'his hunnies', as his teacher liked to call them, Vicki. She also would occasionally refer to them as his 'harem' (the troop of girls on whom he doted and were no less eager for his attention). I prefer 'hunnies'. And sugar mamas they were! He would come home with all sorts of stuff these little girls would gift to him - pencils, stickers, special vacation souvenirs, even cash! I will not miss the girl drama of school that is for sure. Hayden, being such a social little dude and particularly smooth with the ladies, was always getting all caught up in it - who sat by who at circle, who decided not to be friends anymore at recess, who could be in the popular club and who couldn't, on and on. Blech.

This here Vicki though, she was pretty mellow when it came to the catty stuff which is why I think Hayden stuck with her a lot. She was even eager to play Star Wars at recess and that alone is reason for Hayden to become BFF with anyone. So, as a token of his appreciation for having a female around to play the vital roles of Leia, Padame, or Asoka, he gave his red light saber to Vicki as a last day of school gift. There is no truer token of Hayden's affection than a light saber. Lucky girl.

And, last but not least, here is Hayden with Mrs. Maroney.
What a great year we had. There were a few bumps a long the way but over all, Hayden's Kindergarten year was really positive. He enjoyed it, he did very well in his work and was liked by all. He is looking forward to homeschooling knowing that we will do all sorts of fun things in addition to our work. Lately, Hayden has exhibited a renewed enthusiasm for wielding the control in our home and particularly over me. While I am banking on it subsiding, it will be interesting to see how that plays out as I assume the role of teacher as well. Gulp. We'll see.

Favorite Planet

2010-07-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

Hayden and I were having a conversation about the power of words. I was expanding on our usual points about the power of words to affect the way we feel inside and attempted to spark his fascination with the idea that God SPOKE our whole universe into existence.

Me: Remember what the Bible tells us, "God said, 'let there be light'."?
H: So, did God say 'let there be Pluto'?

And there you have it, his favorite planet.

Tuesday Musings - Conflicted

2010-06-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

I tend to reside in tension. Right smack in the middle. Of late the issues over which I find myself mulling have consisted of, but are not limited to, whether to homeschool or not, trading my gym membership for a housecleaner, and to love or hate dogs. Despite the epic impact of the conclusion to these (as well as other) debates on my day to day, there is no greater or longer lingering uncertainty inside of me than the question of what place technology should hold in my life - to what extent it should consume me, my time, my resources.
When I say technology, I mean a very wide variety of things as well as the activities and energies related to them - time at my computer (ehm, blogging, social networking), time (and money) spent fussing with my ipod (downloading podcasts, buying music, shamefully entertaining my kids), buying a new computer because the old one is about to blow up in my face, playing wii, buying wii games, cell phones, texting, the hatred and anger I feel toward my cell phone and the desperation I feel for Apple to hurry the F up and make an iphone for Verizon. The illusion, rather, disillusion, is that each of these things should make my life either easier and/or more enjoyable but I am afraid the truth is quite the opposite. I have been conscious of and wrestling with this controversy for years now. I make prudent attempts to keep technology's reign over my life to a minimum (very relative term!), confined to it's appropriate level of existence, and, despite the elusiveness of that level, overall I feel I have done an okay job.
But this past weekend the turmoil seemed to come to a climax. I was finally approaching a long delayed moment in time when, by my own standard, I would be put over the edge, so to speak. This moment would mark my entrance into a new era, one I have tried arduously to avoid while walking the line very closely, a new world of visual stimulation and possibility. And, it would mark my concession to the hounding forces of materialism and marketing in this battle against complete technological infiltration.
I was about to buy a new TV.
For certain, this task did not come out of compulsion or impulse. Brian has been having secret love affairs with the latest and greatest new creations in TV land for months and months now. We have been on the verge of taking the plunge a handful of times past and it if weren't for our childrens' tendencies to whine, hit each other with wii remotes and garage band items on display, play hide and go seek in the 100,000 sq. foot store and throw tantrums over the candy in the checkout line, we very well may have crossed this line already. Historically, I have been pretty firmly rooted in my stance against the purchase of an over-sized and totally unnecessary new gadget in our home. In fact, I wanted to be completely TV-less when we first began our family and was marginally successful for a few years. But, like every good wife knows, sometimes you need to be willing to compromise. I needed consider what it is that he finds worthy of a splurge, just as he (almost always) does with me and my jeans (or any other item of clothing for that matter). The problem for me was not just the thought of spending so much money on something so trivial and indulgent but also the fact that there seemed to be no viable compromise in terms of cost and quality. I am very adverse, regardless of the product in question, to the idea of dropping what is still a ginormaous amount of cash on something that is already totally outdated, even obsolete. With TV's this problem seems to be as bad as it gets.
I had been thinking of surprising Brian with a TV for Father's Day. Knowing how much he would love one and also how hesitant he was to buy one himself, probably in part due to my resistance, made me want to buy one even more. How could I not want to splurge on him, love on him with this lavish gift? After all, that is how I like to be loved on. But was this really the best way to show him my appreciation? On one hand it seemed so appropriate and on the other so shallow.
So, there I was, at 10 pm on Friday night wondering suspiciously through the isles of TVs at Best Buy, deeply conflicted not just by the question of whether this was the right Father's Day gift, but also by which TV to even buy. I was struggling. I stopped, prayed and ask God to help me with this torturous and nauseating decision (I usually get nauseous when spending large amounts of money) and then I saw it - the exact TV Brian has been dreaming of - one better (and of course, more expensive) that any he would think of buying - for an unusually (and slightly suspiciously) low, low, price. It was done. I had taken the step in my mind, before the money was even handed over, and there was no turning back. We are now the proud (er, still slightly conflicted but mostly mostly at peace) owners of a large flat screen TV, the exact one pictured at the top to be precise.
Yes, the tension and the confliction (spell check is telling me that isn't a word, oh well) are still there. I still cant help but think of where else the money could have gone - to an adoption fund, to build a well in some impoverished country with contaminated drinking water, or to help fund our kids' college education, but watching Brian open his Father's Day gift and receive this expression of my appreciation and admiration for all of hard work, was priceless. As for the larger issue as stake, how to keep technology's disillusion of ease and fulfillment from over contaminating our lives.......I still haven't totally figured that one out.
Have you?

Until next time........

Pondering Hayden

2010-06-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

"Mom, was the food you ate in Peru organic?"
"Why can we not feel the earth spinning?" (after my vague reference to some universal laws of physics which I know nothing about) "oh, I know, God just spun it and then it kept on spinning and spinning."
"Mom, will we have 1 million kids in our family?" "Cuz, if we did we would need a million bunker..., I mean decker, bunk bed. And I would be on top and I would turn into penguin boy and fly up to the top and throw ice balls. (I am assuming he is referencing Super Mario here)
"Mom, is every sunday God's birthday?

phew. all in a 10 minute car ride.

Tuesday Musings - Home

2010-06-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

There are few places in the world that feel quite like home. But sometimes home is more a reference to a feeling of intimacy and belonging than to any one particular physical space. No matter where life takes this family of mine, we will always be at home with each other. I am sure you can relate.
Yet, I have the amazing privilege of having another home in this life - one where my heart is at ease, refreshed and encouraged, where I am truly known and accepted and where I often have the gift of sharing in the joy and pain of others. This home I speak of is with my precious girl friends from college.
Our journey together began when we were just babies, 18 year young. Not one of us could have ever expected how much our friendships would change our hearts and lives. Over the course of our college careers we met together once a week to share our hearts, our stories, our hopes, our prayers, our hurts, our healing, our growing, our changing, our learning and most of all, our corporate love for God. For the last 8 years since then we have continued to hold a tradition of spending one weekend a year together, a highly concentrated version of what we had and cherished those few precious years in school.
Without these eleven women in my life, I would not know honesty, vulnerability, intimacy or loyalty the way I know them now. Their presence in my life has caused a kind of exposure that is often very frightening, a nakedness resulting from the stripping away of the falsities and facades that we so often bring with us into relationships. This kind of vulnerability and realness is a rarity and a precious gift. In the context of the safety of these friends this exposure changes me. My self protective tendencies begin to melt away and the striving for the notice and approval of others subsides. I am forced to see myself as I truly am and believe that I am loved despite. In so many ways this experience of connectedness I share with my friends mirrors my own connectedness to God. Just as it is before God, it is difficult to bear ones soul before friends. But the reward, in both cases, a bond of true friendship, is worth every ounce of discomfort. It always has been and always will be.
This year was a particularly special year for our group. The day has finally come that each and everyone of us has crossed the threshold into marriage and motherhood. I was one of the first to venture into marriage and the very first to become a mom. Since then, it has been a joy to usher the remaining ten into this glorious (yet much less glamorous) season of family life.
Thank you, precious sisters, for your understanding of me, your commitment to our bond and your faithfulness to God as we have journeyed together (though physically apart) over the past several years. Here is to another decade of sharing, growing, crying, laughing, changing and learning together.

The first GAG weekend - 1999

The First GAG engagement

Signature Lady Marmalade Dance

Graduation Day!

First GAG wedding

First GAG baby shower

The baby boom has begun!

22 kids later!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until next time.............

Tuesday Musings - Vernacular

2010-06-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it's another sad, hot day here at Bellybou'. Sales are grim, first charge back fraud dispute, drowning in in other business related matters and to top it off, it's 88 degrees in here because the air conditioning is broken and we are having all kinds of issues getting it fixed. bleh.

Thanks for letting me complain. On to more interesting matters.

I confess, I am sort of addicted to podcasts. I cant seem to spend 10 min in the car without someone speaking interesting, educational or inspiring words to me. Though I do listen to an occasional NPR broadcast, my general listening preferences are with sermons and at the risk of being terribly groupie-esc, I have a few favorite preachers that I listen to regularly. I sort of feel like I go to 5 or 6 different churches all around the country, most of which are some version of the 'mega' variety (hence the efficiency of the multi-media program that allows me to listen to messages just days after they were spoken). Sometimes, upon acquiring the latest episode from a cast, I am disappointed pleasantly surprised to find that someone else is speaking in the regular teachers stead. Feeling too groupie-ish to turn it off, I listen anyways and am usually glad I did. One thing that NEVER fails to cross my mind in these instances is the way that the other teachers/pastors/lay-people/special message-givers tend to sound so strikingly similar, in terms of their diction and inflection, to the main dude (er, person..there are women preachers too). I often chuckle at the blatant obviousness of it but I know from experience that it happens to the best of us in a very unconscious and often, irreversible way.

In college, my BFF and I shared a room and a lot of time together for 3 straight years. Without either of us ever trying we managed to end up sounding exactly alike when we spoke. Already having a very similar tone quality to our voices (not real deep but not high pitched), our vernaculars were almost instantly melded together making it very difficult to tell us apart. We confused our friends, our fiances and even our parents often to bitter ends. It was pretty fun, actually. But it never ceased to amaze me how easily it happened - how quick we are to adapt our own speech to the common language around us.

Fast forward a fleeting 8 years to recently when I have been noticing that my own vernacular seems to be quite dull and outdated. With little exposure to the more trendy ways of speech that would normally shape, at least to some extent, my choice of words and phrases, I am feeling a little in the dark. It seems that because I don't frequent the societal hot spots of my age and race demographic (read I never go out, period) or pay to much attention to the popular media, I just don't talk very cool. A while ago I decided to make a list of the things I would say often if I were cool. Here are a few favorites:

"I know, right?"
"love me some..."
"bestie" or "besties" (in reference to my best friend/friends....just in case you needed that clarification)
"all up in my biz"
There were more but I left my list at home - these were the best ones I could remember.

So, as I begin to count down the precious remaining days in my twenties, I wonder if this sad reality will only continue to worsen as I age. Am I going to be that mom that uses terribly out dated words and sayings that are so bad they will never even earn the prestige of being 'old school'? But what is a poor old mom to do? Its just as bad to be the one who is clearly trying to be cool in tongue and is thus NOT. sigh. Oh well, I suppose there are worse things.

Can you help build my list? What are your favorite trendy little nuggets of todays popular vernacular?

Until next time.........

More Evidence the Baby Has Been Here.....

2010-06-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

Read on for proof.

Flying Solo

2010-06-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

We are very fortunate, especially now, for Brian's job. It provides, it is secure and he has a flexible, often self-made schedule. We can not complain. These benefits however, are sometimes compensated for by extraneous amounts of traveling and this month will be no exception. He will be gone during the week three out of the four weeks and to add to the agenda, he started the month off with several late night dinner meetings with bosses and co-workers who were in from out of town. Again I am reminded of how fortunate we are his career is in an industry that is making exciting progress rather than bitter recovery and has remained stable throughout such volatile times. Say what you will about conventional agriculture (we all I know I have my own beefs - no pun intended), but it is sustaining many families just like ours throughout our country right now. Enough about that and on to the real purpose of this post ~ to discuss the evolution of my approach to the role of temporary single mother.

Three or so years ago, the chunks of days that I was on my own were nothing short of dismal. I would sorrowfully count down the hours (which as you can imagine, makes for really long days) until B would return, often leaving him feeling guilty and conflicted about this inevitable part of his job. Then, one day, I decided if I was going to survive this reality of our lives and this season of parenthood (toddler on the leg and baby on the hip), I really needed a new tactic. And that's when I got crazy. All of the sudden Brian' absence ushered in a title wave of newfound liberty and ambition. Having few real time commitments at that point, I would pile my two babies in the car loaded with a bunch of snacks and, if I were lucky, enough diapers - and we would take off on an adventure - to a far away mall, a far away friend, even San Francisco or OC. Or I would devise a crazy project to tackle at home that would involve several errands and several hours like painting walls or refinishing furniture and somehow make it fun for the kids too. Regardless, we often incurred a shameful lack of sleep and ate shameful amounts of fast foods. While these adventures did serve to keep my kids entertained and provided lots of special memories (and some miserable ones too!), they were really about me. And still are. This is my way of coping, my way of steering clear of the swirling black hole of slothful self pity that looms when one is alone in the endeavor of parenting.

These days, things are a bit different than they were those few precious years ago. In addition to now having another kid in the mix, I am no longer the only one who flies solo at home. A sadly depressed retail climate leaves Brian to fend for himself against the 3 monkeys all weekend long, a third of the weekends out of the year. But preschool was the first thing to trow a wrench in our adventurousness followed by more preschool and then real school. (All of which I managed to dodge on several occasions in effort to take back some of what was lost - much to the district truancy nazi's dismay)

However, there are still plenty of times when I am all alone for the day/night/week and I need to kick it into high gear.

The other night was a perfect example. B was at a dinner meeting. We were on the very brink of summer vacation, but I could wait until then to get crazy with the kids lest they make ME more than crazy. In effort to console his tearful woes over an issue with a light saber and the 'no toys from home rule', I told Hayden that we would make treats to bring to his class for the very last day of school (the next day). Knowing we had the evening free, I thought it would be a fun project to bake with the Olders while the baby napped. But, as is so often the case, Hayden was not that easy to please. They had to be Star Wars treats for the boys, preferably featuring light sabers, and princess treats for the girls. You would have thought I could have just said no and whipped up a batch of boxed brownies calling it a day but, really, can you do that to your kid? Anyway, this was my chance at a good spike in the mental and creative intensity of what would otherwise be a tiresome evening of kid food and over-read library books. I began googling 'star wars cupcakes' and was amazed by what I found. I admit, my heart rate probably started climbing as I began to realize the breadth of what I was about to take on. Once I set an aesthetic standard for any culinary adventure, it's really hard for me to go back. We settled on a design and all seemed fairly simple except for the fondant frosting which I had never attempted before but was very excited to experiment with. These were going to be damn cool cupcakes thus increasing Hayden's popularity and, ironically, my sanity.

So we set off to Michael's and Target to pick up some baking necessities (and of course, several other unintended things - oh, how I hate target but that is for another post) which is, if you don't already know, an adventure of the most intense kind with 3 materially insatiable, frightfully avaricious little loves. Fast forward to the cupcakes rising to perfect height just below the edge of the paper lining and the fondant underway. The process itself was far from daunting except for the fact that I needed it to be black. I have never had much luck with getting a good black frosting because of the copious amount of white sugar involved. So I busted out the gel coloring that is for those candy melt things that you make into shapes that probably should not be considered edible. In all its viscous glory, the entire jar managed to yield just the right shade of Vader black. That is some nasty stuff and I took great pains to keep it from contaminating any part of my body or my white counter tops. I was successful until........as the frosting was just about ready to chill in the fridge and I to take the kiddos up to bed, the baby dug the jar out of the trash and, as only miniature little fingers could, scraped the excess out and smeared it all over her hands, face, body, the chair she climbed up on and then the walls. I spent the next several hours cleaning the baby, then the walls and then the remaining mess from the baking alone. Then, I finished the cupcakes. I was proud to have completed them before midnight (11:57) and to have documented the incident in all of its terror.

Here they are before things got ugly.

The ugliness begins....

A 'snap and run' before the camera is the next victim...hence the blur

ALL over her mouth...cant really tell but the inside was BLACK!

After a preliminary scrub....

Mischief that ends in a bath...what more could this girl want?

Still love her though.

My tip was too fat making the Vaders look more like little pigmies than anything else but, hey, they're kinders, they wont care.

And the girls had to settle for black butterflies - there was no way I was making another color....

In the end, I was satisfied. With the cupcakes, yes, but more so because of the challenge, the obstacles, the climax, the fun pics, the sparkling white counter tops that would have been left in their grimy state for weeks longer were in not for the black grout that needed bleaching, AND the very happy little boy who awoke with anxious anticipation of the final product and was not disappointed........

Here's to many more weeks of adventures like this one.

Toothless

2010-06-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Can you believe this day has come?! My baby boy is starting to loose his teeth.

He lost the first one a few weeks ago and I neglected to document it with a photo, sadly. But the second one came out soon enough, leaving a gaping bloody hole right next to first one, and I was sure to capture the moment.

His first tooth came out at school, which was probably more celebratory than it would have been at home with his squeamish mama, where he was given this super cool little tooth container that he wears around his neck. He loves it and proudly carried his tooth around with him until it was time to place it under his pillow in anticipation of the tooth fairy. Speaking of whom, luckily remembered at the very last moment (as in moments before he awoke the next morning) to make the exchange for some cold hard cash.

House Cleaning

2010-06-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

These days, this blog serves as our only real version of a family scrapbook and I want it to reflect our lives as accurately as possible even if that means posting - for all the blog world to see - pics of me in a (far) less than presentable state than I would normally prefer to show you. What family documentary would be complete without a glimpse of what it is like trying (often ineffectually) to keep the house in some sort of order and to some degree of clean? So, here is a glimpse of me trying to stick, at least a little, to my Monday routine of house cleaning despite the presence of everyone else on this Memorial Day.

As you can see, my efforts were slightly impeded by an intense game of Mario Brothers and a baby who removes everything in her path from it's place while at the same time dripping either drool, milk, chewed food or something far grosser (that's a word, right?) from her body.

I got a little sucked in to the Mario game, secretly wishing I had the ability to carelessly involve myself in such unproductive endeavors and enjoy myself instead of constantly worrying about how to make the most of every moment of this 'holiday' (euphemism for Fleeting 24 Hours to Catch Up On Everything You Don't Normally Have Time To Do)

Yes, I am vacuuming the coffee table...because extracting the leftover food, dust, dirt and other fowl things from the tiny little crevices in it's knotted and hole-y veneers is not an everyday occurrence (as it should be)

While often eager to help, Halle was not very responsive to my solicitations for assistance this day. (And, enough with the baby toys, Elena has moved on to Bionicles.)

Elena was though.

She's a little tea pot!

Really trying to be like big sis!

So, there you have it. This was the start to our Memorial Day which ended sadly with the fruition of a raging sinus and ear infection that left me in tears of pain. At least everyone else was having fun.

Tuesday Musings - Sick Days

2010-06-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest grievances in the career of motherhood is that you are not afforded any sick days. Unless your husband can easily take off work (which, lets face it, wont happen unless you are practically ER bound - no offense hubs, we are glad you are so dedicated to your work) or your mom is near by and retired, we fever stricken, head raging, chill-y and on the verge of barfing moms have to just suck it up.
Luckily for me, I can escape to my pseudo career at Bellybou' and loaf around here feeling miserable without the disturbance of my children or my home which happens to be unraveling at exponential speeds while I remain in this oppressed state of flu-ness. blaaaa.
Really, in this way I am very lucky. The predicament of how to care for your kids and continue your normal home maintenance (all encompassing and never ending as it already is) routine, at least somewhat, is so dire. It is impossible. And nothing is worse than not being able to take care of your family except having to sit on the couch in a nearly subconscious state of funk and watch as the work to be done to recover from your absence mounts to unspeakable heights. At least I didn't have to watch today (at least not since breakfast and the morning mad dash for the car from which there is chaos enough to fill my entire first day back to work)
While it's easy to poke fun at this phenomenon that all of us mothers can relate to (the miracle that anyone survives without us), it hints at a more serious issue for me.
As I was dropping the baby off with my mother in law this morning and seeking her sympathy for my miserable state, she told me a story of when her first two were little and, unable to peel herself from the couch except to vomit, she wondering how in the world she was supposed to care for her kids. A shiver went down my spine (maybe partly related to my chills - who knows. regardless, I was affected) as I flashed back to the 3 times I spent 12+ weeks on the couch (or on the metal bed-like cot that was my only sleeping arrangement in Peru) in the very same state thinking the very same thing. (well, except for the first time because I had no children yet but having never ever been this sick before I would agonize over how in the world my body could possible support growing life when I felt on the verge of death). Despite my want for at least one more child, my pregnancy days are over for this very reason. At times my eyes will well up with tears at the thought that I will bear no more children of my own but we (all parties greatly affected by my complete incapability and incapacity to function while in the first half of pregnancy, who are numerous) just can't go through it again. Not if we don't have to. (yes, I am alluding to the idea of acquiring a child by means other than conceiving, gestating and giving birth - but I'll save my thoughts on that for another day) My heart melts knowing that we are perfectly fertile and ironically (because of the considerable lack of health I suffer) produce very healthy babies, a luxury which so many can not enjoy - for whom my soul aches. But, for us, there are just too many sick days involved. And that is life.
So, this last week has served as a sad but poignant reminder that 'sealing the deal' of our infertility (read male version of the process) was no frivolous thing. I really don't want to feel like this (let alone worse) for any length of time beyond what this new array of kindergarden viruses (did you know they are totally different than the preschool ones?) are subjecting me to.
And there you have it. My most revealing post since the homeschooling declaration - not exactly what I intended but there I went and now I have to go. These musings really are as raw as they come, I can assure you that.
Until next time.......

Garden Bounty

2010-05-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

We are so fortunate to have inherited such an amazing garden in our backyard. We have always dreamt of prolific fruit trees and spacious garden boxes and now we have them. It has been so fun to spend our afternoons outside reaping the harvest of our many homegrown delicacies. The branches of the cherry tree are touching the ground they are so heavy with plump ripe little delights. However, they are not so friendly on the stomach in massive quantities so we have been offering them to any and all neighbors and friends. Bring a bucket and come get your fill. Seriously.

This was a few weeks ago - they were not quite ripe but we ate them anyways. They are red and juicy now.

She snuck one when I wasn't looking. Girlfriend would eat the stem and seed if I let her.

Also growing in greater abundance and speed than I can keep up with are our roses. I finally brought some inside to enjoy.

Last of the spring veggies to harvest.

Afternoon Delight.

Evidence the Baby Has Been Here

2010-05-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

And........just in case you need proof...

Is she too young for Ajax 'cuz I could try to make this habit work in my favor....

Really? you had to go all the way in?

She thinks she is so funny!

And when I shut down her fun..........she defiantly opens it right back up again.

Slip!........she gets what she deserved.

Tuesday Musings - What Little Boys Are Made Of?

2010-05-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, that's what little boys are made of.

Well, this may be true but one thing I know for certain is that my little boy is made up of more than just slime and appendages..........................he seems to have all the makings of his mama!
My son may look JUST like his daddy (wish I had comparative pics to post to prove it to you but I have none on me here at work. Instead I offer you this: when Hayden was little and we were still relatively new to Woodland, where Brian was raised, people would come up to me in public places, at least once a month, and say "you MUST be Brian Ganyo's wife and this MUST be his son because I knew Brian when he was that age and it is like I am looking right at him!" I kid you not, everywhere we went this happened. I digress) but Hayden is seriously ME in a little boy's body. He takes being a Mama's boy to a whole new level.
It is such a strange experience to see yourself in your kids. Until recently, I have always been slightly entertained by the ways my children have taken after me. It was funny when at two, Hayd would go around saying "oh, man!" with the same inflections I do. It is fun to see Halle copy me in her preferences about what to wear superficial though it may be. But, this is more than just emulations we are dealing with here - it's as if aside from gender, hair color and texture, eye color, facial structure and body type, Hayden inherited all his genes from me. Of course, it is possible that he, in fact, did - but the realization of it is none the less surprising.
When it comes to personality, this child is so much like me. For some reason it is easiest to notice the negative things about him that I know he received from me and this is often really difficult for me to observe. I find myself more frustrated, even angry, with him when whatever he is doing wrong is something that I struggle with as well. For example, his seemingly insatiable want for more - be it time, toys, money or attention - is something I resonate with far too much. Yet I am pretty sure that he could not have learned this from me. Considering my dislike of this quality in myself, I try my best to keep from disclosing it's presence - especially around my kids. So when it's staring me right in the face in the form of my son, I am all the more discouraged. I often feel the heavy weight of being responsible for his character flaws. And so it is with nearly all the character related issues we deal with with Hayden - his tendency to try and milk something for all it's worth, to test the lines between right and wrong, to question authority, to argue defensively, to want to do things his way or no way, to ever so delicately and subtly push and push until he gets his way, to passively manipulate, to not want to do things because he was asked to do them, his lack of impulse control in times of frustration, his inability to fall asleep right away, his intensely adverse reaction to being told no and the ever so persistent efforts to change a negative verdict, his desire for constant stimulation and entertainment, his compulsive need for structure, order and logic......i could go on but I feel like I am bearing waaaay to much of my own self here.
It may seem that out of this many characteristics to choose from, I am bound to have exhibited at least a few in ways that my children could have picked up on. Maybe so. But, really, I don't think I could have produced such an analogous personality in a child of mine in only 5 1/2 short years no matter now hard I tried. Yet, I am left wondering what exactly the nature/nurture ratio is here and the thought that I am guilty of imparting any or all of these difficult traits onto my child by means other than heredity is a hard one to face.
I am well aware of the inevitable fact that my imperfections will somehow negatively affect my children. However, I tend to view this reality in light of my lack of having or doing what they need as opposed to my having or being something they don't want. I suppose there is some benefit here in that I one, know how to pray more specifically for this child and two, may be better equipped to respond in a helpful way knowing what it is like to be on the other side of his struggles. That is if I can get past the sickness in my stomach, discouragement in my heart and madness in my head that seems to come on as these little pieces of the dark side of my soul emerge through the mind, body and mouth of my precious son.

My sweet Hayden is so much more than these things I mentioned here and I am now feeling a bit bad that I did not take the time to shed light on the many wonderful sides of his precious little heart but it is time to sign off.

Do you have a child that is frightfully similar to you in ways you are not fond of?

If so, what consolation do you have?

Until next time.......

These Boots are Made for Walking (sort of)

2010-05-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

Already in love with the Fryes, a girl after my own heart.

Spring Break '10

2010-05-23T23:22:00.000-07:00

So this post is a little overdue but what else is new....

Some people have wild times in Mexico, others head to the beach for some R&R.
I, on the other hand, had a different kind of fun during Spring break.
I took the kids on a super special excursion. We rode BART into San Francisco which was an experience in itself with the baby on my back, a stroller over my shoulder and one kid on each hand, but we made it in one piece (with the exception of Elena's beloved blanket which sadly, was left on the train and never recovered). After emerging from the train, we hopped on the bus and rode it for nearly an hour to the very end of its route viewing all sorts of fun stuff along the way. At the beginning of our route we were accompanied by a mere 10 or so others. A few stops later and there had to be 100 people on bus. We were crammed like sardines and I held on to my kids for dear life. We were greeted by no less than a few riders who were very amused by us and generously offered to hold someone on their lap to which I graciously declined. Shortly after Chinatown, the population returned once more to a dismal few until eventually we were alone. We had seen the bus crowd come full circle. It was fun.
Next, off to our main destination which was the Exploratorium. We are granted free entrance here for being members of our local science center and I had wanted for months to take advantage of such a perk. However, it would be my luck that the day we decided to come was free admission day. To say it was crowded would be a vast understatement. You could hardly move in the place and keeping track of your own kids was nearly impossible. Luckily, none of mine stayed lost for very long. We enjoyed the exhibits as best we could and ate delicious treats at the cafeteria. We were herded out like cattle at closing time, made smashed penny souvenirs and headed to the grass to enjoy the sun and feed the birds.
I spent my remaining small bills on the pennies but luckily the person behind me in the bus line spotted me some cash (not the first time that has happened). We detoured the bus for a while to eat at Johnny Rockets and to window shop for a bit (there had to be something in this for ME). Afraid of loosing daylight and having to schlep my kids through the city in the dark, we hustled back to the train and headed home. Total hours - 13. not bad considering all we did. It sort of a felt like we went to another world just for the day. It was a real escape from the normal hum drum at home and a real treat for us all. I am excited to do it again sometime. A few pics of the fun at the Exploratorium:

Cool magnetic sand

Elena loved these doors with crazy stuff on them

Making massive bubbles

physics 101

Tuesday Musings - Church, Culture, Fashion, Mockery

2010-05-18T17:03:00.000-07:00

I got wind of this video a few days ago and found it quite funny. While the humor is obviously derived from mockery, I didn't find it offensive. Upon hearing of a respected friend who was slightly offended by this and some thoughtful words about it, I started forming some thoughts of my own and figured I would share. Watch and read on.

"Sunday's Coming" Movie Trailer from North Point Media on Vimeo.

On one hand, I agree that this could be seen as offensive, especially to those whose church happens to look just like the service depicted. But knowing that it was made by a church that does look exactly like that makes it seem far from malicious. Something inside of me really pushes back against the idea that this is totally inappropriate. I really appreciated the humor of it and found it somewhat consoling. 'Why is that?', I had to ask myself. Is it because I am secretly envious that I don't go to such a 'cool' church? Maybe. Would I be offended by this mockery if I did? If so, would my offense be rooted in a tendency to find identity and security in my membership there? This has been some interesting food for thought.
I do not see this video as an attempt pave the way for a new trend in contemporary American Evangelical culture. Unless I am a bit behind (it would be no surprise if I were), this depiction seems to be as cutting edge as it gets and there doesn't seem to be any evidence, as far as I'm concerned, that the fashion of church culture is nearing the brink of change. So if the purpose of this is not to bit farewell to the old and usher in the new, what is? Is there any?
I believe that being able to make fun of ourselves is a very healthy characteristic of a culture at large. We seem to find great entertainment in doing so. SNL has been at it for decades and while at times it can be (highly) offensive, it remains one of the most popular shows on television. The ability to find the humor in our cultural norms represents a certain amount of detachment from them. While the very thing we mock might be dearly important to us, doing so shows we are aware that our value is not contingent upon it. As followers of Christ we know that no church experience of any particular kind is necessary in order to be who we are before God or walk with Him. Our walks with God will expand multiple generations of church culture and will see considerable change within but ultimately, in terms of our identity and standing, we will be the same. We know that the little nuances of church service, be them trendy or not, matter very little in the end. That is not to say that they are all together unimportant or unproductive because indeed they do influence our experiences with God. But we do need to be able to step back and know that we are more than just our experiences. This level of separateness enables us to look light heartedly at a video like this, not take it personally and appreciate the fact that while this is now what we may perceive as cool -and in fact WISH we had (me personally), it will one day pass and new ways of being will emerge in a continually shifting pattern that makes up church culture. Yet God will remain the same. Let us not mock those lasting precious things God. The rest is fair game. :)
This video helped me remember that while I remain here in my geographic location's fashionably inept church culture, often remorseful at not having a Sunday morning experience more similar to that one, I am really no worse off and no different than I would be otherwise. And with regard to those that have recently begun attending church and were drawn in by the emotionally poignant ways made light of here, the sooner one realizes there is so much more to God than just the feelings that are evoked by such raw, passionate, authentic and fashionable church services, the better.
I have often needed reminders like this in my life and in fact, have occasionally even sought them out. As a young, pensive and slightly angsty Christian circa early high school, I was plagued by the enduring thought that my faith was merely a product of my experiences in Youth group/church culture (which was very trendy, I must add). I continued to function on the presumption that what I had decided to build my entire life around was indeed real because all the intellectual evidence I could handle at that age seemed to prove it to be so - but I was eager to experiment with myself and see how I would respond to being outside the encompassing scene that seemed to define my religion. I needed to know that the courtship and eventual captivation of my heart by God was driven by more than just super cool songs and being friends with the Supertones. So shortly after graduating I nestled myself aside a little hill top in the Swiss Alps for a few weeks to instantly and surprisingly find that the quiet, simplified and unrefined version of my faith was incredibly REAL. That was satisfactory for a while but after spending the next several years in the incubatory slice of paradise that is SLO, steeped in highly intense, richly invigorating and incredibly nourishing, (not to mention very fashionable) Christian culture, I was again in desperate need of a reality check. Nearing the point of talking marriage with Brian and signing on to continue forever in my current state of Christian 'reality', I was a little freaked. So I broke up with B and took off to Mexico (okay, so it wasn't that dramatic, I was signed up to study abroad there for the summer anyway) where I would again test the integrity of deeply ingrained ways of functioning with God to see if they would remain the same outside of the bubble. While I floundered a bit, the persisting enduring Truth of God rang out loud and clear. God revealed to me so clearly that I need not be so afraid of living within the confines of Christian culture but rather that I should appreciate it for all the ways He had used it to shape and grow me - that all the realities of my life as a believer in Christ exist exclusive from the world around me but that I do have a place there within that world.
And here I am now - stuck (happily) in a place that is pretty void of all that fashionable Christianity (or at least is stuck in the fashion of a passed generation) that I was surrounded by for so many years and it comes as no surprise to me that I am perfectly fine - maybe even better off for my ability to remain content here despite the void and to have to figure out how to connect regularly with intimacy and passion to God without the help of the quality, cutting edge music or strategically poignant preaching, fabulously beneficial though they are.
So I can laugh in good conscience at that video even though I would greatly enjoy a service that that one, in the same way that I laugh at skinny jeans, sweats with elastic at the bottom, leggings with stirrups, and florescent nail polish even though you may see me wearing all of them (not all at once and minus the stirrups). Just as my taste in fashion does not define me, neither does my church (in its liturgical elements, of course, its doctrine sort of does....) and thus I feel pretty free to laugh.
(So long as it is not a direct impersonation of any one particular person but rather of the mere trend and so long as the mockery remains limited to liturgical elements and NOT God or His Word - to be clear.....)
Feel free to disagree with me or tell me how you laughed so hard you almost peed.
Until next time.....

Tuesday Musings - Tales of a Picky Eater

2010-05-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

(side note: I am a TOTAL Gleek and dearly miss my show choir days. Just thought you needed to know)

In college I learned that if you expose a child to new foods over and over by about the fifteenth they will at least try it. I also learned that parents are supposed decide what, when and where a child eats and they are to decide how much.

I continue to follow these rules and guess what?

Halle still, after hundreds of exposures to hundreds of foods, refuses to eat anything but the 10 or so foods that do not violate her rules of aesthetic appeal - and when I feed her anything else, she goes hungry and then gets fussy and we are all miserable. So much for my degree. :)

We have tried pretty much everything to get Hal to try new foods and eat a considerable amount of anything remotely healthy.

As a baby and toddler I fed Halle all sorts of power packed foods mashed into disgusting concoctions that no mature taste bud would ever dare go near. She gobbled them up with sheer delight. It worked with my first kid to help create an adventurous eater and I was pretty sure it would work again. But as we are approaching 5 years old and things in this arena have only gone down hill, I am beginning to finally concede to the fact that this is just who Halle is. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it and only little I can do now to try and change it. I am best off to just accept it and move on - find ways to help her consume enough food to keep her happy and nutrition to keep her healthy.

My recent attempts to stealthily supply her with some good stuff have included starting the day with our famous green eggs and ham (eggs with fresh spinach blended in them - the 'ham' was usually uncured low fat turkey bacon until recently when both big kids developed acute enough taste to notice the considerable difference between regular bacon and the healthier versions) AND whole grain sweet potato pancakes with flax meal and dry bean powder - we eat these for any and every meal of the day and in between.

While these two foods pack quite a nutritional punch, they are not enough to constitute a diet for an entire childhood. I need some new ideas.

Do you have a picky eater at home? Even if your kid isn't terribly picky, do you have any secret ways of sneaking healthy stuff in their food? Any fabulous ideas for helping to encourage adventurousness at the table? I would love to hear from you.

A few months ago I helped organize a parent's nutrition night at Hayden's school along with some nutrition students from UCD. Local Organic farms donated fresh produce for families to sample and take home. Here's my little picky eater sampling her apples with the help of some high fructose corn syrup disguised as carmel. sigh.

Until next time......

Summer Lovin' - Pt. 2

2010-05-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

I am still stuck on this idea of how to make this summer different.
I have noticed, as I continue to think more and more about it, that this is really an extension of some of the other issues I have written about lately, particularly embracing the emptiness in my life and experiencing true rest.
I know that my inclination to fill up our summer days with all kinds of 'fun' things is partly due to my FOMO - which relates not just to me but to my kids as well. (If you don't know what that stands for scroll down and read my previous post.) I want so badly for them to have the opportunity to try out all different kinds of activities and see fun and exciting places. But this can come at the expense of true quality time together. As is so often the case in my life, I want to do it all and struggle to reach a healthy balance of doing what I (we) love and also having time and space to breathe.....and to really connect.
I came across this article this morning as I was reading through my favorite blog:
I was very inspired. This was exactly what I needed to hear (read) to solidify my desire to make this summer more meaningful. I am going to attempt to do at least one of these ideas this summer. I know it may seem like that will only achieve the opposite of what I originally said I was attempting to do this year, minimize, but after axing pretty much everything out I think I can afford to spend sometime branching out and connecting in a meaningful way with the people around me.
I hope you are inspired too and would love it if you would share with me your thoughts and/or any fun things you have on your calendar for this summer.

A Smidgen of Hayden

2010-05-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

Upon entering the car after school:
"ugh. I am heck-a hot!" (mom tries hard to conceal her disgust and politely asks him to refrain from using that phrase)
While playing with a toy that was clearing giving him trouble:
" Dude! Are you kidding me? What the heck is going on here?!"
(maybe the adults in the house should keep comments like that to ourselves.)
After dinner he watched a 56 min episode online of the PBS program 'Secrets of the Dead' about the Japanese and US race to create navel history with a "super-sub" during World War II. He was glued the entire time.

Tuesday Musings - Summer Lovin'??

2010-05-05T00:33:00.000-07:00

Well, when I started logging on here it was Tuesday, does that count?
I'll continue anyway. I can not believe that another summer is upon us already. I know many of you may be wondering what I am talking about seeing as it has really only just begun to feel like Spring but in our home, our summer starts getting planned out in about February and is pretty much fully booked by May for sure. In past years I have felt like a chicken running around with my head cut off for the entire 3 months long with vacations back to back and activities all week long, endless packing/unpacking, laundry and no regard for anyones bedtime. I must admit, I do love the liberty to fully abandon my heaping mound of responsibilities that summer seems to herald in. I take full advantage. As a result, I often feel like I am drowning in chaos. I do dread that feeling and I am afraid that after several years of this I am beginning to associate it with summer in general. Add that to the disgusting heat that this SoCal girl will NEVER ever grow to love and what used to be my favorite season by far is now my least. I am sad about that and am hoping that this year might be different.
While we don't have many weekends in our summer that are not already booked up, I have yet to schedule much in the in between and I am debating forgoing doing so altogether. This year I think we are going to pass on multiple sessions of swim school, maybe pass on it all together, pass on gymnastics camp or any other parks and rec program, we'll pass on summer baseball (wait! I LOVEd standing in the outfield with Hayden on a Saturday afternoon in 105 degree weather, right?) and we are even waiting until the fall to make the trek to OC. Will my kids survive? Or will they kill each other from spending too much unstructured time at home? Or will they be happier because there mom is slightly more sane?
Only time will tell.
After a few weeks of not hearing from too many of you, I would really love to hear about your summers.
Do you prefer a jam packed fun filled agenda for your summer months or would you rather just lay low? (is that phrase grammatically correct? shouldn't it be 'LIE low'? oh, what do I know...)
What things are you sure to always plan for your family's (or just your) summer?
Please share some of your favorite memories for your childhood summers.
Thank you and until next time.........

Tuesday Musings - Murky Water

2010-04-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

The weather cant seem to make up it's mind today- pouring rain to blustery wind to sunny skies. Back and forth, back and forth.
I cant make up my mind either.
What subject deserves the laborious task of inarticulately crafting words in my feeble attempt to communicate something? Let's see......
In the meantime, I cant help but share this analogy that has popped in my head over these last several weeks of trying to formulate something interesting for the few of you to read.
I am like a sponge. When given the chance I will soak up any interesting thing I hear or read. For example, I just devoured some legal criteria from the Department of Labor regarding the definition of an employee and a whole slew of commentaries on the ethics of unpaid internships. I was fully engaged in the heated controversy when I looked up and noticed that an hour and a half had gone by since I first googled. I listen to talk radio for 20 min. and before I know it I am fully sucked in and spend the next chance I get to search the web mulling over the content of related websites. Too often my determination to follow what seems to be an interesting lead in my ever pressing quest for mental stimulation lands me in a place far off from where I originally set out to go and thus renders me quite unproductive.
Before you think I am complimenting myself here, let me continue with the analogy. While I may be absorbent and able to wrap my mind tightly around the contents of my head, letting them out is another story. When squeezed (like in the attempt to write a blog post), my brian simply spills forth, sometimes in excessive quantities, a murky, diluted and unclear product, much like the water that is disembogued from an overused sponge.
So here you have it, your murky waters for today:

Did you see Idol Gives Back? Were you jealous of the judges and past contestants for the opportunity they had to do so much good and empower others to join them? I was.
I tend to think big when it comes to the things I want to do. I am often paralyzed by my inability to scale down my ideas to a conceivable size and in turn, do nothing. Such a great quality! I am attempting to change that. Starting here:
My MIL (yes! I love using the new vernacular of this generation - acronyms for everything.), who is an amazing woman of God, began a new ministry through our church. It seeks to make the needs of the local community widely known to it's inhabitants within the church. Being slightly technically challenged (bless her!) herself, she has turned to me for help with the electronic distribution of information. I am very excited about partnering with her in this effort to become more involved in my community and taking some small steps toward doing some good in the world right around me. I will be sure to keep you apprised of the happenings with this group as it takes off and hopefully gains some momentum.
For now, I decided to do something else to help further a cause that I am starting to believe more and more strongly in - and what else does one do when they want to further a cause besides start a Facebook page!? Introducing Shop Local - Woodland, Ca.

It is a commonly known fact among Woodlanders that there is VERY little in the way of shopping, restaurants and other businesses in our town. This is so different from the land of a billion places to shop, eat and do anything you can image that is Orange County, my beloved place of birth. While at times it can be frustrating, I can appreciate the simplicity of it. The problem is that the poor retail climate in general is making it extremely hard for even the few businesses out there to survive. Being a small business owner myself, although sadly not in my hometown (or maybe not so sadly) I have a new appreciation for the support of the local business and local economy. Did you know that dollars spent in locally-owned business have up to three times the impact on the community as those spent at corporate chains? This is just one of the many reasons to support your local economy by shopping locally.

There are actually some really neat neat place to shop in Woodland (I know because I am a shopper by nature and have the gifting to discover them) they are just a little unexpected and that is why I decided to start this page. Its mission is to help increase the livelihood of the local business community here in Woodland by highlighting locally owned stores, services and other businesses. Every week I will post about a different store, restaurant or other business that is well worth visiting. So, the work involved is not just the postings but I also have to visit these places. The first few dozen posts will be easy because, like I said, I already know of several little hole-in-the-wall spots that deserve some recognition besides their name in the phonebook (and that really is the extent of the advertising many of these places do!). But there are a few already on my radar that I have not yet shopped and I am excited about this project of having to get out and visit them and hopefully encouraging you to as well. The ultimate fulfillment would be if I spared just one person the remorseful experience of heading to target for just one or two things and dropping their whole months budget instead.

I hope to gain at least a small following. So far, I have one 'liker'. How's that for starting small!? (Thanks, Angela!) So, if you live in or visit Woodland, be sure to check it out and join me on this little journey of discovering and supporting our community in this way. (There is a badge just to the left on this blog that will link yo to the page OR you can click on the logo above.)

Until next time.........

Tuesday Musings - Work and Rest

2010-04-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

I heard an interesting sermon the other day by Tim Keller on Work. He titled it stewardship but for all intents and purposes, work fits just fine. (I suppose that wouldn't be a suitable title for any sermon no matter the content considering its lack of appeal so I completely understand his choice of euphemisms). He had some very interesting insight on the philosophy of work as it has evolved throughout time and culture. But what really resonated with me was the apparent tendency in our culture to define ourselves by our work. Keller called it 'the work under the work'.
A Biblical perspective on work is set apart from other ancient cultures' views in the fact that the Bible validates labor of all kinds. Ancient philosophers thought of all laborious work as demeaning, defiling and to be avoided. Yet, as bearers of the image of God himself who worked tirelessly for six days at creating; bringing forth existence out of nothing, we too are inclined to create; making something out of something, be it a work of art, a business, a crop or a family. There is something deep within us that compels us to do something with ourselves and all of this is well within God's intention for his creation in His likeness. Yet, we must also imitate God in what is often difficult for us to do - rest. It is interesting that God rested at all - none the less that He took a whole day to do it. (That is more than most of us can say for ourselves.) God needed no recuperation, rejuvenation or revitalization yet He still rested. Too often we miss the true meaning of rest, which is to provide for ourselves a healthy rhythm of doing and being, and focus merely on its restorative nature. Recuperation is of course, an important part of rest but not its only purpose. This rhythm of doing and being is so perfectly demonstrated by Christ. The book of Hebrews tells of Jesus sitting at the right hand of God, the ultimate demonstration that his work is finished, yet we are also told that he in continually interceding for us - a very laborious work indeed! The contrast is stark yet the balance is perfect and finding that balance in our own lives can be so difficult sometimes. Why is that so?
The Bible also speaks of another kind of rest that is accessible to us. We (hopefully) rest from our earthly labor but we also share in the rest that was allowed by the finished work of Christ. We are complete in Him, not lacking anything - our identity is sealed in His. This, friends, is true REST for our souls.
How obvious is it that our culture today does not know rest for it's soul! It is this lack of understanding that drives us to work with the kind of relentlessness and insatiability we see around us today. When we must work to bring meaning to our existence, purpose for our lives and definition to our being, we are working harder than God ever intended us to. This is the 'work under the work'.

I often get mixed up in my work. At home, I set out to do my job well for the glory of God and then before I know it I find myself caring so much and working so hard in order to feel a certain way about myself - organized, competent, neat, compassionate, what have you. Then when my work is interrupted, incomplete or undermined (this NEVER happens!) I am left with more than just undone responsibilities. My soul is wounded at its core and that can manifest itself in a variety of not-so-pretty ways. If only I could continue my whole day steady in the rest God provides for my soul. At Bellybou' I can occasionally loose myself in an eagerness to appear as a fashion savvy boutique owner when that was in no way my desire behind wanting to tackle such a beast as owning a store. Nor was wanting to have a family driven by a need to feel organized - yet, like I said, I get mixed up.....

God, let me continue my whole day steady in the rest you provide for my soul.

Do you ever get mixed up in your work? Why do you think that is?
How do you help ensure that you get the true rest you need in your life?
Any other thought son the matter?

Here is a link to the site where you can download the sermon I mentioned by Tim Keller:
http://sermons.redeemer.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&product_ID=17392&ParentCat=6

Until next time.....

The Book - Bringing Up Girls - Who knew?

2010-04-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

Well, you may have but I did not know that there is actually a new book entitled 'Bringing Up Girls' by Dr. James Dobson. I gave my last post this title (having meant to italicize the word 'Girls' but blogger doesn't let you edit the text on the post's title) to highlight the fact that after spending so much time and energy seeking advice on the raising of boys, including poring over Dobson's book 'Bringing Up Boys', it is time for me to shift my attention to the outnumbering sex in my home.

This morning I had the pleasure of learning about the recent release of this long anticipated book by happening upon the Focus on the Family broadcast in the car on my way to the dentist. Coincidence? I think not. I suppose I should read it. Has anyone read it already? Let me know what you think if so......

Just thought I would let you know.

Tuesday Musings - Bring Up Girls

2010-04-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

Digression: I will never forget the moment when (in Spanish, mind you) I was told my firstborn child was a boy. I was lying on a rickety old hospital bed staring at a very fuzzy ultrasound picture on a screen that strongly resembled the giant old computers from my elementary school's computer lab. This was gender determination Peruvian style. The tech, thinking he was very clever, said in broken English 'he is a porn star', apparently meaning his sex was very clear and he was not being shy. I didn't laugh.
I did not think it possible that I could bear a male child. I knew very little of the male species having not really lived with any growing up and only having lived with my new husband for just over a year. Every single vision I had of myself as a mother involved little girls. I would not know what on earth to do with a boy, would be sure to ruin him and thus God would surely spare us all the tragedy. Yes, I admit, I was disappointed. At least I didn't cry, although inside I kind of wanted to. The only real thing holding me back (other than the fact that I thought it was silly to cry for not getting the gender of child you wanted...oh, the opinions we have about motherhood and parenting before we get there...) was the knowledge that Brian REALLY hoped it was a boy. I was truly happy for him. But surprisingly, on the taxi ride home from the appointment his demeanor was not that of sheer excitement as I would have predicted. Instead he was somber and seemed slightly stunned. He was in awe. A son. It was like it validated his manhood. I know now that he was just a big ball of messy emotions (and how else does a man deal with his emotions but to be very, very quiet..) involving thrilling joy and extreme anxiety, gratitude, humility and a strong sense of needed to fill a very tall order - to raise a boy to be a man of God.
Ever since then neither of us have taken this job lightly. We have read books and sought advise and continue to try our damnedest to do right by this kid. In the meantime, we have produced TWO beautiful girls and finally, now that the oldest is FOUR and really starting to come into her own (she has always been a bit of a late bloomer), am I starting to feel a little of that same sense of anxiety and insecurity about raising the girls the best I possibly can. (It is too easy in parenting to not always do our best, amen? maybe its just me...)
Which brings me to this post which is more of an exposition of the sense of void I am currently feeling than anything else. What am I doing with these girls to make sure they will not turn out to be a disastrous mess!?
The other day I was on the phone with a good friend who I haven't talked to in a while and Halle started to get fussy. I almost unconsciously opened the cupboard, reached for the bag of chips and gave her a few in hopes that it would buy me a few more minutes to chat. After I got off the phone I thought to myself, 'what was I thinking?!' (obviously I wasnt!) Its one thing to feed your baby or toddler cheerios or goldfish or other beloved snacks to keep them occupied for a while - that is totally normal in my book. But Halle is a child not a toddler and in that moment I was struck with the fear that without even knowing it she is well on her way to inheriting my emotional attachment to food and compulsive eating habits. Hal is an extremely picky eater (a subject for another post!) and often becomes fussy because she hasn't had enough to eat. It has been a long standing habit of ours to assume that when she is upset, she needs to eat. All of the sudden it dawned on me that I need to be careful how much I attempt to console her with food lest she begin to associate all need for consolation with it. I may seem overly concerned here but this issue is just the tip of the an ice berg that feels tremendously overwhelming to have to begin to breech - How to raise girls with health eating habits, a healthy body image and a healthy perspective on how to balance our concern with appearance..... when I don't even have it all quite figured out yet.
Lord, have mercy.
The sense having of a tall order to fill is really starting to set in for me now and this is a topic that will continue to deserve my attention over the next several years. As for today, I would really love to hear from you about a few things on this matter including, but not limited to:
- any good books/resources you have read on the subject of raising girls
- what from your childhood experience contributed to your current state of health in regards to body image, eating habits and the like.
- was there anything in particular your mom or dad did or said that helped you gain a level headed perspective on these issues that seem to permeate the lives of all young girls?
- what other issues do you see as being equally in need of attention in the raising of our girls?
- anything else you might be willing to share about the topic that is relevant to you as a woman or as a parent.
Some people have facebook messaged me responses to my posts as it seems easier (it wont cut you off) and more private - feel free to do so. I really value hearing from all of you and appreciate all your thoughts - thanks again in advance for sharing with me. And even if you don't comment, thanks for reading. I am somewhat of a non-commenter myself (i usually just get overwhelmed with trying to articulate my thoughts) so I understand.....
Until next time....

Tuesday Musings - Easter/La Pascua

2010-04-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

I like to refer to Easter by its name in Spanish, La Pascua. I prefer any of the romantic languages' versions as they are derived from the Greek word, Pascha, which came from the Hebrew word for Passover. Easter, on the other hand, was derived from the name of a pagan goddess of fertility. Boo. Regardless, it is my favorite holiday and this year was one of the best.

My whole Easter experience, which usually begins with Palm Sunday and then some sort of observance of Holy Week, was off to a crumby start. I missed most of Palm Sunday's sermon and then was sick for most of the following week. Good Friday was spent frantically packing up and preparing to leave town for the weekend. As Sunday was quickly approaching I was feeling like all the spiritual significance of the day was going to pass me by completely. Though the rest of our family had decided not to attend church in the morning, we were planning to go - until Brian came up with this brilliant idea:

Here is where we went to church on Easter morning - in the pasture behind the grandparents ranch - and it was a great service. Pastor Daddy, as the kids called him, read the Easter story from Hayden's Bible and expounded on the special meaning of the day, Halle prayed for us all and then frolicked merrily through the grass and cowpies. We finished up with some oil pastel sketches of the creek. Sweet family time and sure to be a lasting memory, for me anyway.

These friends were the only others in attendance. I am still not entirely comfortable with cows moving in such close proximity to me and don't think I ever will be.

Anyway, just before emerging from my bed Sunday morning I spent some time considering the deep significance of this day and I was quickly reminded of why I love it so much. Lately, I have faced considerable discouragement about the areas of my life and self that just seem to difficult to change - the places inside of me that seem hopeless, lifeless.....dead. Yet, Christ conquered death! (had I forgotten?) and if He can overcome the grave then He can surely overcome the deadness inside of me! My soul is eased.
As I came downstairs I noticed Halle watching TV. The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe was on and I tuned in just in time to watch Aslan breathe on the the petrified Mr. Tumnas and bring him back to life. How desperately do I need the breath of new life to flow through me - to resurrect those parts of me that seem too far gone - and how faithfully does God do it! All because of Christ's death is there such hope for LIFE in me. I basked all morning in the sweet victory of life over death that God performed so many years ago. What could be better?.....really.

What do you like about Easter or La Pascua?
Will you share with me one of your favorite Easter memories?
I would really like to know how you commemorated, observed and celebrated this past week, please tell me.
Thank you.

Dang. It is Wednesday. Oh well.
Until next time.....

Tuesday Musings - Who Needs Pants?

2010-03-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

Sadly, I don't have much brian power today as I am the fourth fortunate recipient of our family cold/cough/sick thing and have already spent the little that I had on work related matters. But.....I do have a few photos to share and some quick thoughts to accompany them. I feel like I am cheating but I suppose I have the whole rest of the year to be thoughtful.

Below is a pic of my dear friend's son, Zeke. His mom, Bethany, is one of the best moms I know. She is thoughtful, intentional, faithful in her convictions and entirely committed to her role as tender nurturer of her family. What I love about her most, is her ability to keep perspective on what really matters most in life and parenting. For example, we took a trip out to the Folsom zoo a few weeks back (GREAT zoo, btw...) and it wasn't until I was all the way out there that I realized I forgot Elena's shoes. She had no socks or tights either. I wouldnt have cared except that I knew she would want to walk ALL around rather than sit in the stroller. Feeling like a total loser that my baby, despite having a super cute dress, was barefoot in the zoo, I asked a few of the moms with babes there if they happened to have any other shoes on them or in their cars. When I asked Bethany, she very casually said "Oh no, we forgot shoes too..AND we forgot pants!!!

Clearly, Zeke did not mind and I felt a whole lot better that one, I wasn't the only one who forgets to cloth my children before leaving the house and that two, REALLY, its not a big deal to go without shoes (or pants) every once in a while.

How cute is this little man!?

I have been reading the book Raising A Reader and have been inspired to attempt to instill in my kids a love for reading by spending more indulgent book time with them. Here are my sweet girls enjoying some time of their own.

The Liberty of London for Target Bathing Suits were AMAZING!? Did anyone else see them? They were gone quick. I wish LOL would make a discount line of fabrics. The last time I was at Britx in SF, my mom and I feel in LOVE with some fabric and were going to make the girls dresses with it until we noticed it was Liberty of London and cost $50.00 a yard. Yikes. Anyway, I exercised my self control and only came home with 2 suits for Halle. This is one of them. Love it!

Have you ever been this close to a peacock? (I only had a 50mm lens!) You will be at the Folsom zoo. :)

I wonder what it's like to have a big brother. I am so happy that my girls will know. Hayden is so sweet with Elena and I pray that he continues to be as kind, helpful and genuinely concerned for his sisters. He loves to carry them both. How sweet is this!?!

Spring has sprung! The weather is finally warming up (okay, minus this week!) and you know what that means ....(you know if you have seen my recent FB status) .....playing naked outside can sufficiently replace most regular bathing! :)

This is all for now my friends. I am off to my bed (okay, I might have to watch Idol first) to catch up on some much needed sleep. Goodnight. (I KNOW its only 7!)

Tuesday Musing - Too Many Voices

2010-03-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a lot lately. I'd like to say that the amount of time I have spent with my nose in a book over the last few weeks is a norm for me, but alas, that would be a lie.
My fervor for enduring this sort of intellectual overload was spurred on by a few things including, but not limited to:
1 - the need for updated and more effective tools in battling power struggles with the 5 year old
2 - learning the 'hows' and 'whys' of home education (YES! we decided to homeschool - let this be my official announcement to the blogosphere)
3 - needing to figure out how to manage my constantly evolving home life
4 - the hunger for meaningful thought and reflection

After processing lots of parenting advice and philosophy as well as being indoctrinated with homeschooling theory and methodology, AND the reminder of the many areas of my heart and mind that need considerable work, er, total redemption.......my brain is kind of tuckered out.
Has is ever happened to you that when you decide to work really hard at something as soon as you do it seems like that thing all the sudden got a lot harder?! So has been my life in recent weeks (particularly with the 5 year old). And I have felt discouraged and disheartened in all my efforts.
After mentioning to a friend at church the sense of burn out I was feeling from working so hard to correctly (but seemingly unsuccessfully) apply so much 'expert' advice, she wisely responded "yes, that is too many voices".......
And she was right.
So, for this moment in time I have silenced all voices but One. This One spoke to me very clearly a few mornings back and this is what it said:

"For the Lord GOD will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed" Isa. 50:7

Despite my need to silence certain voices for the moment, I would still love to hear yours.....

Until next time....

Tuesday Musing - FOMO

2010-03-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I learned of yet another debilitating disorder women tend to suffer from. The symptoms include anxiety and discontentment sometimes coupled with envy, covetousness, and loneliness. Children tend to suffer from it as well and it can, in certain kids, even lead to significant behavioral problems.......

Apparently, my friend’s husband either coined this term or heard it somewhere and deemed it an appropriate description of his wife and her friends. He was right about me. (And a few others I know of :) )

FOMO is an acronym and stands for Fear Of Missing Out. You know what it’s like. Right?

Why are we so concerned with what goes on when we are not present?!?!

Of course, there are things in our lives that we understandably don’t want to miss out on like watching our kids grow up; their first steps, first words, other significant milestones and all the rest of their journey of discovery of the world around them. We don’t want to miss those seldom but obvious opportunities to improve our careers, our financial situation or our health. But I am inclined to think that we (at least, I) suffer from Fomo more often than is consistent with those sorts of experiences. I have daily Fomo.

I fear missing out on a class at the gym that happens to be really good that day.

I fear missing out on a good movie or TV episode that everyone will soon be talking about.

I fear missing a chance to speak.

I fear missing out on a connectedness with my husband.

I fear missing out on a really fun time with my kids.

I fear missing out on the bonding experiences of friends

I fear missing out on sleep.

Sometimes it seems this fear is insatiable. I fear missing out on so many different things that the conflict of desires is positively unavoidable and compromises constantly have to be made. Even in times when I have made a prudent decision not to participate in something despite my fear, I still have some small sense of anxiety over what is happening without me or what didn’t happen at all.

Anyone?

Sigh.

FOE

I am also quite familiar with another phenomenon that I believe to be an underlying cause of this well known FOMO. FOE, or, Fear of Emptiness, seems to come into play here. All of what we desire to experience in our fear of missing out is really a desire to bring purpose and fulfillment to our lives. Would you agree that in our present day and culture we are practically addicted to fulfillment? At least some of us? We fear the empty space inside of us.

A long time ago I read a fascinating and enlightening article on this topic. It is titled Entering the Emptiness, by Gerald May. After joking about and pondering over our FOMO with some friends last weekend, I decided to read it again. The introduction says this of the authors work:

“May revels that in our tendency to fill up any open space in our days we are ‘addicted to fulfillment’. It is his belief, however, that the emptiness we experience when we embrace spaciousness or quiet is actually our never-completely-satisfied ‘yearning for love’. This yearning draws us to God.”

The article goes on to reflect on spaciousness of form, time and of soul, the three primary ways we experience it in our lives. He talks of uncluttered rooms, pauses in our activities and “the inner emptiness, the room inside our hearts, the unfulfilled quality of our consciousness.”

He argues that our aversion to all forms of spaciousness but particularly that of the soul is “because of what appears to us within it”. Inside the emptiness, the speciousness, we see things for how they really are; we are confronted with the Truth, which can sometimes be uncomfortable for us. Our efforts to fill our days, minds and lives are efforts to distract us from what really IS beneath all else inside of us. When I avoid spaciousness in my life it’s because I don’t like the reality of my discontentment often manifested by my fear of what I am lacking or what is am missing out on. Since a young girl I have felt the plague of the yearning for my true home and the ultimate satisfaction that is only to be had on the other side of eternity. May speaks of the ‘Myth of Fulfillment’ and how it can adversely effect our participation in true love, which, as stated earlier, we seem to be constantly yearning for. “ …We make several great mistakes if we think life should or even can be resolved to a point of complete serenity and fulfillment. To believe this is to commit ourselves to fantasy that does not exist and that, if it were true, would kill our love and end in stagnation”. I am comforted by the purpose these ideas bring to my feelings of discontentment. Though never fully remedied, this ‘unfulfilled quality of my consciousness’ drives me into love. Though at times I would rather, as May writes, “ have the anesthetized serenity of dullness than the liberating dis-ease of truth”, it is this often unwanted quality of my character that propels me to continue to seek God, His love, and the truly meaningful things of life.

So my fear of missing out does highlight what, in some light, may seem a negative aspect of my humanness (or womanhood!) but actually speaks of something of real value and is essential for proper growth and maturity. It is, however, my responsibility to curb my anxiety over all that I miss out on in life and embrace whatever emptiness it leaves. When I do, I will experience freedom and growth that can not be known when my spaces are cluttered and overly full. May writes “Spaciousness is always a beginning, a possibility, a potential, a capacity for birth. Space exists not in order to be fulfilled but to create. In space, to the extent we can bear the truth of the way things are, we find the ever-beginning presence of love. Take the time, then; make the space. Seek it wherever you can find it, do it however you can. The manner does not matter, and the experiences you have there is of secondary importance. Seek the Truth, not what is comfortable. Seek the real, not the easy.”

Do you have FOMO?

Do you fear emptiness?

Are you (even a little) afraid of the empty spaces inside yourself?

Do you know why or care to share?
Can you think of a time in your life when you embraced emptiness and, as a result, 'birthed' something of great value?

Until next time........

P.S. If you want to read this article from the book Simpler Living, Compassionate Life, I found it online here:
http://andersoj.org/mostoftime/class-session2-geraldmay.pdf.
View the html version as it is much easier to read

Tuesday Musing - Killing Monsters

2010-03-09T15:12:00.000-08:00

Again, I have to say thank you to those of you who have responded to my posts. I really love hearing from you. I must say, I am impressed by your grocery budgets and am inspired to keep working hard to stick to mine! Kara, I cant believe that without a budget you only spent an average of $500. I could seriously spend $1,000 easily, if not held by the constraint of a budget! :) Bethany, impressive. Our budget was the same when we had 2 little ones but I found it difficult to afford much organic with in those means. Loved your cost cutting suggestions. Julie, don't fret, I am convinced that all of are less frugal and efficient in some areas of our lives. For one it might be groceries, for another, late fee's on bills, a gym membership they rarely use, or a gas guzzling car.......

Once again, I am inclined to write about a topic that seems to consume my life these days :), children. Sorry if you read this and you don't have any, I hate to alienate any one of my precious few readers but I find that the kiddos are really my only source of inspiration right now. I have recently been thinking of how desperately I am in need of a little rendezvous with some of my old 'food for thought' friends. I have Kierkegaard waiting for me at the library as soon as I finish the 9 books I have out right now. Until then, this is the best I can do......

I saw this book at the library the other day and was immediately intrigued. In case you cant read the sub-title, it says, "Why Children Need Fantasy, Super Heros and Make Believe Violence". That pretty much sums up the basis of the book for you. The author brings up some very interesting points including the fact that while there is an abundance of literature on the negative effects of violence in the media on children, there really isn't ANY on the possible benefits of it. As is likely in this case, naivety can sometimes cause us to (unintentionally even) discredit something as untrue simply because there isn't much discussion about it. Knowing our hearts even better than we, the Bible reflects:
"The first one to plead his cause seems right. Until his neighbor comes and examines him." Pro 18:17
I don't know about you, but I have certainly heard a mouthful about how horrible and destructive Power Rangers, Pokemon, war-related video games and the like are to our children's minds and society. Yet, could this kind of make believe violence have an appropriate place in our children's lives? This author sets out to prove it does. He sites examples of clinical situations where a child who has dealt with great tragedy uses violet play as a means of coping. Similarly, and more relevant to the masses is the idea that all children use violent play as a means of attributing power to themselves giving them better ability to cope with life as a very powerless being. This is about as much as I have gotten out of the few chapters I have read so far. Much of the introductory chapters simply begin to broach the topic (I suppose he feels a strong need to ease into it with careful justification given the critics he may be up against) and ignite a contagious curiosity into this strange phenomenon - Why do children (especially boys) seem intrigued by, drawn to and fascinated with violent interaction between fictitious characters??

On a personal level, I am well aware of the reality that no matter how hard you try to keep guns and all other weapons from your son's hands AND mind, you will, at least once, find him using a finger, stick or any other accessible material in some type of combative way. At this moment in time, Hayden (5 yo) is obsessed (and I DO mean OBSESSED) with Star Wars. (He almost pitched a down right fit in the aisle at Target the other day when i would not buy him a star wars bedding set despite the fact that he knows full well our firm policy in our home about not decorating with licensed characters.) He spends practically every moment of his waking day enacting full force, light saber combat between Osaka, Anniken, Grevious and Obi-Won (okay, I KNOW I spelled all those names wrong...sorry). Even Halle likes to join in on occasion and although she would rather just discuss the matter, she often seems equally as interested in the details of how Anniken slayed Grevious. While I try to keep things from ever getting too gruesome, I do not often intervene in any of the sword fighting, slaying, shooting, attacking or wrestling that goes on in my home despite my immediate urge to yell "calm down".
We do have 2 rules. 1) when someone says to stop or is clearly indicating they are uncomfortable with the situation, you must stop. (Indeed different kids have differing levels of tolerance to this stuff) and 2) you must NEVER point a gun, real or pretend (meaning actual toy gun or finger/stick gun), at a REAL person. The latter has been called into question on a few occasions recently. It may seem a double standard that I will allow other weapons to utilized to (play) harm, even kill, other REAL (playing) persons, but I just cant seem to back down. It just doesn't seem right. (hows that for good justification).

Anyway, I know that if you have boys of your own at home or grew up with brothers, you know full well what this is like. I am curious to hear from you about a few things:

Do you have violent play in your home? If not, is it because you don't allow it?
Where do you stand on your children's exposure and participation in violence in or inspired by media?
What sorts of rules to you have in your home regarding violent play? (if you don't have kids, what sorts or rules were present in your home growing up, if any)
Do you ever notice girls engaging in violent play? If so, to what extent and did they initiate it?
Anything else you want to mention about this particular topic.

I have been back and forth from this post to other business for sometime now so hopefully this will all flow (only to the extent my writing ever does!).

Until next time......

Tuesday Musing - Groceries Galore!

2010-03-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again....off to a good start.

I want to start by saying a big thank you to all who responded to my last post about household chores. It has been really neat to hear from people about how they do things and what works for them. I have taken many of the things others mentioned and incorporated them into the 'system' I am presently implementing. In just one short week I have been very encouraged by my children's participation around the house. It is amazing how much it lightens my load just to have them do a few simple things like dust-bust the floor, put away laundry and make their beds. Having a daily/weekly routine really helps me to know that eventually things WILL get done rather than constantly living with the anxiety that comes with wondering 'when in the world I will get to that!?'

So, again, thank you. And please feel free to continue to share with me more on that matter.

Another topic I have been craving to hear from others about is groceries and everything that has to do with them. I am quite the grocery nazi, if you will. I am super picky about what I buy and how much I pay for it. Sometimes my incessant need to get what I want for the price I want to pay causes great anxiety but in the end, I think it pays off.

I work with (what I consider) a very tight budget of $480 a month (family of 5). $62 of it goes to CSA produce delivered every other week. I buy organic versions of the 'dirty dozen' (12 most highly contaminated produce items) and conventional of the 'clean 15' (least contaminated). Until recently, I have bought conventional meats from California - some 'range free' or humanely raised but not always due to cost. I am beginning to rethink my meat purchases as I know that the highest amounts of pesticide residues are found in meats (some 10x's higher than produce as I recall). I am always interested in more good info on these topics (most contaminated foods) as I seek to be very intentional and informed about what I am willing to pay premium price for. I feel that that organic food industry is slightly bourgeois (though Wal Mart seems to be working to change that) and while I am a fan of local, sustainable agriculture, I reject the snobbish disdain for conventional agricultural I often see in others. I am a big fan of being informed when it comes to food selection - knowing where our food comes from, why we buy what we do, how our previous experiences in life, school, and career affect the way we shop/eat. Everyone has the right to choose what they want but they also have the right (and should exercise it) to KNOW about their food. Enough about that.

I shop at a very wide range of places including Trader Joes, Whole Foods, Bel Air, Nugget Market, Walmart, CSA, Food 4 Less and my all time fav...............Grocery Store Outlet. (Dont knock it cuz its the MOST ghetto place EVER.) If it weren't for my beloved GSO, my kid would not get a super cool Fruit-a bu (organic, whole fruit, no sugar added version of 'fruit-by-the-foot') in his lunch everyday and thus would not be the coolest kid in his class. :) I shop for the highest quality foods at the lowest prices. GSO has a great variety of natural and organic foods for very inexpensive i.e - I buy flat of 20 extra large cage free organic brown eggs for $2.99! Again, I could tell you all about the deals at GSO, but I will stop.

Last but not least, I always pay in CASH! I am so much more frugal when I am spending money I can actually see. In fact, I can become somewhat of a hoarder. I never fail to annoy the heck out of checkers when i ask to have 3 things taken off the bill so I don't have to break another 20! Anyway, I could go on and on about the neurotic details of my shopping routines but I will spare you. I really want to know how YOU shop. Specifically, I would like to know:

What is your budget? (I told u mine!!!!)

How to you track your spending/stick to your budget (or do you!?)

Where do you shop and more importantly, why?

Do you buy organic or conventional or a mix of both. If you mix it up like I do, what things do you buy organic and why?

If you don't buy organic, why not? (I'm not saying that I think you should, I just want to know why -totally neutral. I realize some people don't feel it is important and want to hear that angle too)

Anything else interesting about your grocery/food acquisition process you would like to share.

I realize this may not be a very interesting topic for some but I would still love your thoughts!

Until next time. (I feel something a bit more thought provoking might be in order).

Tuesday Musing - Thoughts greatly appreciated

2010-02-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I KNOW I am not your typical once a week blogger seeing as how I have barely managed a 'once-a-quarter' routine thus far. However, in effort to connect and (hopefully) dialogue a bit about issues pertinent to my life right now with those whose thoughts I value most (yours!), I thought I would give this weekly blog topic thing a try. We'll see if I can make it happen all year long and we'll see if there is even anybody out there who cares anything about what I have to say. If not, I wont be offended, I will just consider this good opportunity for me to articulate my thoughts for my own good.

So, without further adu, here I go.......

If you did not already gather from my recent facebook posts, I have been doing a lot of thinking/processing/planning lately about the topic of running a household as a family and specifically, children's responsibilities and chores. The issue of allowance has also had a significant part of this discussion as well. These are the solid conclusions I have come to so far, but am still very much in the process of formulating and adapting:

MOST IMPORTANTLY, I do not want to run this household on my own. I think if I had never sat down and thought about it, I would have ended up taking on the whole responsibility of it and we all would be worse off as a result. While I am (most often) good at subduing these feelings (aside from the occasional passive aggressive outburst or tear-fest brought on by sheer exhaustion), I do resent being the only one who seems to care/think about/remember/do anything about keeping the house in running order. Call me heretical, remind me of good ol' Proverbs 31 woman (who had HIRED SERVANTS, by the way!), say what you will, but I am actually not convinced that it is biblical for a woman to have all of that responsibility on her shoulders though many Christian women feel it is. Maybe for some it is their gift, their joy, even, but not me. While I do love a good deep clean on occasion and I do, DO love feeling organized and assembled, I do NOT like the seemingly endless amount of work involved in keeping my household from falling apart. Much to my delight, I am also discovering that while I do admire the woman who seems to be able to do it all when it comes to her house, I think she is actually doing her children a disservice by owning much of what the children are able to do themselves and denying them the rich opportunity to learn valuable life skills and responsibility. I will get off my soap box here and continue telling you the few other things I have solidified in this process...

2) My children will have several 'responsibilities' in our home that are not compensated with tangible rewards. I am still wrestling with the issue of allowance (more on that in a sec) all together but I do know that I want them to learn the value of hard work and contributing to the functioning of an entity larger than themselves. This is a reward that will not be reaped anytime soon but is far more valuable than any amount of money.

3) 'chores' in our home will be distinguished from 'responsibilities' which are fixed, permanent and will continue to grow. Chores, on the other hand, will be rotated as mastery of different skills is acquired, and will ebb and flow according to other happenings in life such as increased school work and other disciplines. As of now, I have decided that they will earn money each week for completing their chores. I want them to also experience the managing of money (saving, sharing, spending etc) and i cant count on the $5 in the valentines day card from my grandma to keep coming forever. I need another way to provide them some cash to work with. 4) we will have monthly (i think) family meetings to discuss accomplishments, skills acquired, jobs done well (or not), preferences and feelings regarding each of our roles in the house.

I decided upon most of this while reading a book called "Children Who Do Too Little" by Patricia H. Sprinkle. It is a really good book and although the title makes it sound kind of harsh or condemning, it is quite the opposite, she has such a down to earth voice in her books and is SUPER practical rather than ideological. I recommend it if you are like me and need helping coming up with a plan for these sorts of things. It seems to come more naturally to others while I would do it ALL wrong if left to my own vices.

Soooo, what I would love to know from you is:

When did you/do you plan to start implementing regular chores in your home (what ages)?

What sorts of responsibilities/chores do they have?

What sorts did you have growing up and what was your experience like?

how to you chart/reward their progress?

how do you feel about 'allowance' or monetary compensation from chores? What was your childhood experience with allowance?

In general, what expectations to you have of your kids? (or will you have when they are older)

how to you feel about your role as homemaker? (It's interesting to think about that word because now that I think about it, I am still very much owning the 'maker' part of this role. I am making the rules, the plans, I am just going to as evenly as I can divine up the job of making the home 'run'.)

Please don't hesitate to be candid and honest and please respond to me..... :)

Until next Tuesday (unless I miraculously post something else before then)..........

My Fav

2010-01-31T17:52:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite pic from the girls birthday party. Sweet Halle was so anxious to greet each of her guests as they arrived. Precious.

Fairy Princess Tea

2010-01-31T17:21:00.000-08:00

Little Fairy Princesses everywhere! Halle had so much fun at her birthday party. She was such a polite host and showed each of her guests to their seat to receive their wings. The big girls ate fairy PB&J (sunbutter for Hal, of course) and drank sparkling fairy tea (lemonade). The baby fairies tried their best not to get trampled on. Elena really enjoyed her cake as you can see. She also really liked the candles and wanted to touch them - luckily we avoided that disaster. (Never mind Halle's monkey PJ pants in the cake pics - she spilled tea all over her other ones and insisted on changing.)

First Goose Egg (Before and After)

2010-01-31T16:45:00.000-08:00

There we were in the kitchen taking Elena's picture. I was turned the other way setting something up and she falls right off the chair and smacks her head on the floor. Notice the nice pretty forehead above and the gnarly bump below. Needless to say, we were done after this.....

Elena Turns One

2010-01-31T16:15:00.000-08:00

I still can't believe my baby is ONE. Oh, how it goes by fast. It is so exciting to watch her get older and learn new tricks, recognize her loved ones, interact more and more with her bother and sister and develop all the more into her own little person. If I had to use one word to describe Elena it would be 'FUN'. She is just oodles and oodles of fun. She is always looking for a good time (a potentially dangerous trait in years to come) and hates to miss a thing. She has brought so much joy to each of our lives. I wish she could stay this small forever but, alas, she is well on her way to 14. sigh. All I can do is try my best to soak in all her baby glory and capture as much of it as I can for memories sake. Love, love love all these precious faces.

Moving

2010-01-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

Alas, it has been longer than my already regrettable 3 month intervals between postings. Yet, I have not given up completely.....

As I sit here in the living room of this house I've called home for the last year and a half, probably for the last time, I am reminded of some of the reasons I appreciate moving. Here they are:

1) Major purging of the massive accumulation of unnecessary stuff that inevitably occurs over time particularly with the raising of children.

2) The few hundred dollars acquired as a result of selling it at a garage sale.

3) Greater focus. All the petty, unimportant things I am often distracted by in my days don't stand a chance of grabbing my attention when packing 2100 sq. ft of stuff is in order. Strangely, I feel more focused, single-minded and thus, calmer.

4) All normal demands of daily life are okay to put on hold. Its fine that I have not exercised in 3 weeks, haven't cleaned an inch in over a month, have practically abandoned the kitchen all together and fed my children fast food more times in the past 2 weeks than in I have in their whole lives thus far. It's all good......cuz "we're moving". I love the way those two little words exonerate me from so much I would normally be held responsible for.

5) Major reorganization. Moving things from one space to another provides the opportunity to sort and reorganize - a dearly beloved but often neglected past time of mine. Everything from the craft cupboard to the silverware drawer have been attended to and it feels great.

5) Help from my friends. There is always something special about having your network of friends and community band together and come to your aid. I am reminded that we are loved and cared for.

6) Lastly, I am grateful for moving because it has continued, over the past several weeks as we have anticipated this transition, to remind me that my TRUE HOME is not in any house on this earth, no matter the heart, soul and countless personal touches that are put into it AND that my family is not established nor defined by any place of dwelling. The unfortunate reality is that my natural inclination would be to invest more time an energy into the four walls that surround me than my intimate relationship with Christ, my heart's true home, and at times , I pay more attention to the appearance of their spaces than I do the inner workings of my children's' souls. LOVE, TOGETHERNESS, and UNITY within a family are built with tireless effort yet have little connection to a physical building. Too often I define myself by my house - the pressure and coercion to do so is great in this country and I have many a catalogue to prove it. When you are always on the move it makes little sense to invest much resource in what wont last. Really, isn't that how we should see it anyway?

So, there you have it. I am glad for this process of packing, purging, cleaning, sorting, organizing and pondering. Can't say I am eager to do it again anytime soon, but this time around, I cant complain. The key to having a sane mind and grateful heart during a move????........NOT BEING PREGNANT! as I was for 3 of our last 4 moves. Off to finish up.

For my sake

2009-08-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Hayden's first day of kindergarden, a day I have been dreading since about the middle of the school year last year when we had to start making preparations. While I still cant believe this time has come, I can honestly say I am glad it has. I am excited for the next chapter in our lives and while saying goodbye to the last one is always hard, I chose to just embrace the change, knowing it was inevitable, and tried my best to make the most of it. After months of a grieving heart, I decided it was time for a more celebratory approach. So we shopped excitedly (well, most of the time) for new clothes and gear, made a paper chain to count down the days, baked a cake in the shape of a pencil and ate our fill and yesterday morning he received a huge bag full of all kinds of fun toys and school things (just for home - they are not allowed to bring anything to school but a backpack!). I think Hayden was more excited about Kindergarden than anything else in his whole life. It made my heart so glad to see him so excited I could ward off the sadness and tears pretty well. As we walked through the school grounds and in the classroom door I sensed a little anxiety and uncertainty in him. There was a lot of commotion in such a big new place. But I was so proud to see him decide to just face his fear and bravely walk on, away from me and into a huge sea of newness, knowing there was a lot in store for him. This was one of the most precious moments in my life as mom so far. I will never forget it. In effort to further commemorate the moment, MY moment, I made this video. (Yes, I was the abnoxious mom with several different photo and video devices hanging on all sides of me - and proud of it!)

The words scrolling at the end don't show well. Here's what's written:

I will always remember these moments as I walked away from Hayden at his very first day of school. This day marked the bittersweet end of a precious season in our lives and the beginning of an exciting new chapter sure to be filled with lots of fun and adventure with my BEAUTIFUL BOY.

Ganyos and McCartys

2009-07-15T17:43:00.001-07:00

December 2001

July 2009 ( 7.5 years and 5 kids later!)

5.

2009-07-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

I cant believe I have been on this journey called motherhood for 5 years now. That is longer than I was in college, longer than anything else I have ever committed myself to (except my marriage, of course!).

Hayden, my firstborn, stole my heart 5 years ago and I still do not have it back. I never will. There was NOTHING in this world like holding him for the very first time, my very first moments as mom. My life was forever changed in an instant. My heart is forever mush.

It's amazing how over these 5 years so much has changed yet so much is still the same. He has grown from baby to toddler to kid, gone from unintelligible babbler to super articulator, from picky eater to super eater, the list goes on...but he has always, from the moment he was born, been a wide-eyed, intense little guy; active and aggressive yet sensitive and sweet. Social, extroverted, curious, talkative, outgoing and slightly mischievous - he has always been these things. Our challenges in parenting him have come with his countless attempts, some being quite intelligent and strategic for his age, to wield control in situations, to gain the upper hand and prove himself as victor in the battle to be in charge. It is also difficult to keep up with his endless energy, respond creatively to his 101 questions a day about everything from why God made all the planets to why we have toes and get him to FINALLY lay his head down and go to sleep at the end of the day. He never wants to miss a thing. One of the most grievous things in his life at this moment is the inequity of parents being allowed to stay up later than kids. He loves trains, airplanes, tractors, boats, race cars, motorcycles, toyotas, baseball, gymnastics, swimming and helping take care of his baby sister. His excitement and enthusiasm about all these things and more make experiencing life with him so enjoyable. I treasure being able to discover and explore with him. While motherhood in general is making me feel old, Hayden's unadulterated passion sends a fresh spirit of youthfulness through my soul. Try as I may, words will never describe my immense love for him, my firstborn, my Hayden James.

Here's the birthday boy upon receiving his gift. A BIG thank you to Grandma and Grandpa and Mimi and Papa!!!

And THANK YOU Grandpa for the awesome shirts and sweatshirt. LOVE the firing itish!!

30.

2009-07-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

Phew. We will always remember Brian's 30th b-day no matter how hard we may try to forget certain moments

like.....

.....crying (and almost hyperventilating) at the check-in counter in the airport begging the Southwest lady to get us home before the 5:00 when the surprise party was to begin.

Our trouble began when we arrived at a crowded John Wayne airport a generous 60 min before our flight (waiting at the gate is so overrated) with 5 suitcases, 2 car seats and one huge, 5 ft long box containing Hayden's birthday present - a 10 ft trampoline. The man we purchased the tramp from assured us it was about 80 lbs. Being deficient in our ability to judge weight ourselves, we assumed he was correct and that we could check the big box on the plane and just have to pay the oversize fee of 50$. No problem. After waving goodbye to our luggage and car seats as they disappeared from the carousel into airport oblivion, we learned the box really weighed 150 lbs, and would not be allowed on the plane. We frantically tried to separate the contents of the box into 2 packages (without Hayden figuring out what it was) to get them on the plane in the few minutes we had before our plane was to leave but to no avail....we were too late. The real bad news came when we learned that all other flights leaving OC that day were overbooked and there was no way we could go home. EXTREMELY distressed, (poor Brian was quite confused by my seemingly over-reactionary behavior but figures I have been known to be a little freaky these days.) I convinced the check-in lady to re-route us to L.A. and book us boarding passes there, convinced my equally distressed parents to caravan us up to L.A. (we didn't fit in one car) and tried to convince Brian of some good reason as to why I was acting so weird (without telling him there was going to be a houseful of people waiting to yell 'surprise' at him in a few hours.). All was well again until I realized that our car seats were already on their way to Sac and being that the kids had to ride in my dad's convertible, I was not about to let them ride without them! After frantically working that mess out (thank you, Ryan!) we arrived in L.A. and had 3 lovely hours of waiting with 3 very bored kids. Luckily we ran into Blake Griffin, formerly unknown to me, some fancy NBA draft pic, which added some excitement to our terrible day. Brian, in a star-struck stupor, asks him "so, you guys going somewhere?" Maybe he thought NBA stars just hang out in airports for fun! He let us take a picture with him after Brian tried to make it sound like it was Hayden who was the one interested in him. I think Hayden blew the cover when he said "dad, what's a professional?"

If further effort to redeem the day, I asked the steward on the plane to sing a southwest happy birthday to the boys and he obliged. The rest of the evening was a blast. Thanks to all those who came and celebrated with us.

29.

2009-07-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

I feel old. I am wondering if turning 29 is almost worse than turning 30. Here at 29, I am feeling all kinds of pressure to do certain things, figure out who I am and how I really want to live before the dreaded day arrives. The words "only one more year" keep ringing in my ears. It's almost as if my life is going to end at 30. I have this (what I hope to be) false idea in my head that youth ends at 30 when, in reality, I will not be surprised if I actually feel younger a year from now. In this present season I feel as though life has taken a baseball bat and hit me over the head with it a few times (I may have enough blue-ish purple color underneath my eyes to prove it!). I am always tired, my brian is on hiatus, I have no personal space anymore, my hair is falling out by the handfuls (thanks hormones!) and I pee when I run.

I think part of the reason I feel this pressure to get myself together this year is because I look to my 30's as hopefully being more consistent, even, less "all over the place" for lack of a better term. In my 20's I really have been all over the place - physically (SoCal, NorCal; North America, South America), emotionally (pregnant, not; pregnant, not; pregnant, not), AND mentally (loosing brian cells by the baby!-starting businesses here and there!). I look forward to things being more of the same (I cant believe I just said that!). Something tells me that I am in for a disappointing reality check that no matter how hard you work to figure things out (like how to best arrange the car seats in the car, how to get places on time, how to plan summer activities without making your family go insane - any thoughts on that one are appreciated, I am currently failing AGAIN!) you are always one step behind because as soon as you do, things change (kid grows out of car seat and now needs a new one in a new spot, things keep starting earlier and earlier and summer is over and holidays are here AHHH !). Will there ever be an equilibrium here in the land of motherhood??? Someone please tell me there is. I have always been good at 'going with the flow', so to speak, and have never been too terribly adverse to change but this is just getting to be too much. 30's save me! It's no wonder they tell you it goes by fast. It's hard to really feel present somewhere, someplace in time, when your head is spinning so fast. I even went to the eye doctor because the chaos in my brian makes me feel like I cant see, can't focus. Ironically, my eye sight has actually improved. Ha!

Anyway, maybe I am feeling this way because I am still just adjusting to having 3 kids. I just fear I will never stop having to adjust. If that is the case, I guess I'll survive. In fact, I may even be better for it - always desperate for the Lord's strength and always humbled by my inability to keep it together. Yes, now that I think about it, that is probably the better way to live. I only wish the Beatitudes were more explicit and said something like "blessed is the sad mom who is disorganized, frazzled, sleep deprived and slightly neurotic, SHE will inherit the earth."

O Lord, be my rest, at 29 and forever.....

Spread the news about Bellybou'!

2009-06-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

You can now shop at Bellybou' online! We are doing everything we can to get the word out about our newly launched webstore. We can use your help. You can tell all your friends about us , you can link us to your blog , you can write a quick post on your blog WITH a link to www.bellybou.com (thanks so much to those who have already!) OR you can do ALL of them!! If you want to be a superstar supporter of Bellybou' you can copy this paragraph below and post it to your blog or website!! (Our google tracker will let us know if surfers arrive at our site via yours. If they do , we will enter you into a drawing to win free coffee (starbucks gift cards). All the linking activity will help us be recognized by various search engines and is very beneficial to us. If you up for some shameless promotion of your friends here at Bellybou', we are forever grateful!

"Best Online Maternity and Baby Boutique!!
Hey friends and family! Wanted to tell you about a new online boutique some friends of mine have started. It's at www.bellybou.com and it's got a great selection of designer maternity denim, and designer maternity brands you can't find in your chain maternity stores! It also has a fun selection of hip baby clothes and all the newest baby accessories! It's aSacramento Maternity boutique but now they are able to offer more than just Roseville Maternity, with the webstore they've made stylish maternity clothes available to everyone! So check them out atwww.bellybou.com and help spread the word!"

Thanks to all our friends for your tremendous support of our store!

Photoshoot

2009-05-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

For those who dont know, Elena joins me on my days working at Bellybou'. We have such a great time. It is so nice to have some solid time with just her. When at home there is very little time for me to just sit and hold her. She spends most of her time in and out of the car taxi-ing brother and sister around and if not that, she is usually hanging out on the floor or in the swing. But, at Bellybou, we talk and laugh and dance (only when really bored) and best of all...have impromptu photoshoots. I have recently spent countless hours in our studio (the dressing room) taking shots of all our inventory for our upcomming webstore (T-2 weeks till launch - stay tuned!!!) - i usualy get some good shots of Elena too.

Hayden Rides A Bike

2009-05-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

Hayden just took off on his new bike as soon as we brought it home. No training wheels here (I cried when I first saw him do it, how did he get so big???)

Elena at 4 months

2009-05-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

She has the most outrageous hair. It sticks straight up in a mohawk after its been washed (which, I wont lie, it not often). We just cant get enough of these precious faces!

Welcome Elena Jane!

2009-01-23T17:11:00.000-08:00

Born January 20 2009 - 2:55 pm - 8lbs 9oz - 21 inches - BEAUTIFUL!

The dolls and the tutu's are here to stay!!
The Ganyo family count is now GIRLS: 3 BOYS: 2

Here are some pics of our precious baby girl.

Pumpkin Patch Pics

2008-11-13T10:55:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year and every blog has them. We certainly couldn't go without.
You'll notice a few pics of our carvings in there - we were so bumbed because they rotten the very next day! We were really proud though, Hayden carved the bat. There is also a pic of a new family ritual - Bear rides up the stairs. Its so fun to watch the kids try to stay on all the way to their room. We have had a few casualties but nothing too serious yet.

Halloween Party

2008-11-13T10:27:00.001-08:00

First, notice the number of kids in this picture. Then notice that they are in our back yard! We ended up with 27 (relieving compared to the 40 that were invited) kids at our house for Hayden and Halle's Halloween Party. I NEVER intended to get myself into such an undertaking. But, when I mentioned to Hayden that we could have a little Halloween Party and invite a some preschool friends, I didn't realize that to Hayden, 'preschool friends' means his whole entire class! As we sat down to decide who to invite, and I could tell that Hayden had no intention of discriminating between those he was "better friends" with than others, I knew we would be inviting ALL 31 friends. I was not about to encourage him to be selective, that day will come soon enough I'm sure.
It turned out to be a huge success. Brian was super helpful and built a tower of hay in the yard for the kids to climb and jump on. My mother in law saved the day by renting tables and chairs, baking all the cookies for decorating, facilitating many of the stations and most important, keeping the kids from entering the house with their glass of "spooky punch" which was lemonade with black food coloring and dry ice in it. It was a great opportunity to talk to Hayden about the role of being a host and serving people in our home, which coincidentally was the theme of the current unit in his AWANA curriculum. It was also a great opportunity for me to connect more with some of the other preschool moms that I don't know well. Moms of classmates is one of my main communities I am connected to these days and I know that it will remain so for some time as the kids get older. I really value the relationships that I have with other moms and look forward to times like these to further solidify them. It took a day or so to recover but we all survived and now I am feeling off the hook for any sort of Christmas festivity!

Psalty and the Pink Fishy

2008-11-13T09:40:00.000-08:00

We had so much fun this Halloween and I must say I was very fulfilled by the costume selection. In previous years I have felt torn by my desire to keep things simple, not spend much money or energy on such an undeserving holiday but also wanting to take the opportunity to be creative, encourage creativity in my kids and live up to my moms standard of NEVER (not once in my whole childhood!) succumbing to the cheesy store bought commercial and licensed character costumes.

At first, I thought we would just reuse our costumes from last year because they all still fit. Sounded simple and better yet, FREE. Then Hayden kept telling me several different things he wanted to be, all of which would have been tough to pull off. But when he geniusly thought of dressing as Psalty the singing songbook, a beloved character in our family, I knew I was going to have to step up to the task. Despite a very busy October and little time to spend on it, I was pretty happy with the final product. I decided at the last minute not to make him wear blue tights and a leotard underneath. Halle said from the start, despite her choice of princess costumes already in her closet, that she wanted to be a pink fishy. I had to comply with her requests as well but you will notice from the pics that she wore several different outfits in for our pre-day activities because the fishy did not come to be until 1 hr before we left for trick or treating Friday afternoon. Halle and I went to the fabric store and she chose the exact fabric she wanted, this was the best I could do.

I must also write about how proud we were of Hayden. He wore his costume to his Halloween party, to his preschool field trip where they performed Halloween songs for the elderly at a retirement home, and all day on Halloween. It was awkward and cumbersome and I think at times he was a bit embarrassed knowing that his costume, especially among a group of 4 year olds, was very different. But, he stuck it out, confident in his excitement about being Psalty. It was also a fun opportunity to tell his friends (and for me to tell his friends parents) who he was supposed to be! Very few actually knew.

Enjoy the pics!

HSM3

2008-11-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

I cant help myself. I was just reminded of my enthusiasm by the Sara Lee commercial that features the cast and I have to announce to that I LOVE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. I dragged Brian to the theater to see it last weekend (he still hasn't forgiven me) and it was awesome. The acting is horrible, the cheese is unbelievably sickening but the dancing and the ensemble pieces are so great. And, its just good wholesome fun. Go see it.

I'm Back.

2008-11-13T09:24:00.000-08:00

Its been too long since I've had the time to sit down and blog. We have been super busy around here or at least it feels like it because I have the energy level of a sloth these days (not to mention the physical resemblance).

But, at the present moment, I am sitting on the couch ALONE in the house watching Live with Regis and Kelly. GLORY!!!!! I have some fun new pics to post so we'll see how far I get........

If you are one of the rare few who still actually check my blog despite the long silence, I thank you for staying interested.

To Know or Not To Know

2008-09-03T23:13:00.000-07:00

.....that is the question.

Well, it WAS anyway. The answer has since been decided.

Ever since we knew we were expecting again we had been undecided about whether or not to find out the sex of the baby. The fact that we even considered not knowing was unusual for us but once we had one of each, I felt different about the issue. It's funny to me how much our indecision allowed others to feel the liberty to express their thoughts on the matter. You would never say to someone who knew what they were having "oh, its way better not to find out!" but since I was questioning it, I heard it all the time. I was hesitant to agree though. Others I spoke with (it is often a topic of conversation with strangers because I work in a maternity store!) who had obviously known the sex of their children would often makes comments like "oh, you're so strong for waiting it out" or "I never had the strength to do that" as if it's some noble deed that requires extra determination and good will. The funny thing is that even though I often told people I didn't plan to find out, the truth was I really wasn't sure what I was going to do. I didn't feel like I had enough of a reason not to know (other than just to be able to say that I didn't).

So, as the day approached, Brian and I got to talking about it a little more seriously. The great part about that is that we actually had time to talk at all, a rare occasion in this season of life! We were afforded some time to go on a date (thank you Jenny and Ryan!) for our anniversary (6 years!, phew!) and after discussing various reasons as to why we would or would not want to find out, we made our decision. The thought of it was, at very first, offensive to me but overtime, I started to get more used to it. In the end, it was obviously right for us.

So............I do not know the gender of the baby I am carrying in my belly nor will I find out until he/she is born. Brian, on the other hand, had a private viewing of the genitals this afternoon and DOES know the baby's sex. I was able to watch his face as the mystery was unveiled to him which was rather neat. His response gave me no hint and I trust he will continue to keep the secret well. He will tell no one until the final announcement on the day of delivery.

Once again, I would have liked to scan and post a picture of the little peanut for you to see but the process is still too time consuming for me to commit to right now. I thought I'd pass on the google photos this time though.

Grand Opening

2008-08-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday we had a grand opening celebration in our store. We formally invited a few people who have helped us in significant ways along the way but any and everyone was welcome (especially anyone who wanted to buy something!!!!). It was our chance to publicly recognize and thank those whose hard work we would not have survived without.
Here are some pics. I wanted to share so many because they help give a glimps of the "final product" that my last post was missing.

Bellybou' in the Making

2008-08-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

So, FINALLY, I get around to posting some pics of Bellybou'. Unfortunately, I was afforded the time to do so only because of how terribly slow the first half of my day has been here in the store. I am working on Bellybou's very own blog, (which you can find in the link section here or by way of our website) and figured I should probably attend too mine a bit to since its been a shamefully long time.
Every so often during, the crazy madness of the weeks prior to opening, I would muster up the brain power to remember to bring the camera along with me to the store. Sadly, we only have a small collection of pics from a few tireless days of work on the interior decor but I wanted to share them because you can still really see the progression as we dressed walls, constructed furniture and brought in inventory. Be sure to check the blog for recent updates on our inventory here.
Enjoy!

New Babies

2008-07-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

I'm back. Having 2 new babies is the reason I've been gone for so long. To be clear, there is ONE in my belly - almost 14 weeks old now. Praise God for His amazing gifts. The other is Bellybou', Roseville's new and only maternity boutique, started by myself and friends, Katie and Haley, who is due August 11, now only some 4 weeks away! "Carrying" them both has made the last few months more than intense. Example: life in the Ganyo house has been chaotic to say the least. Things are beyond messy. I cant find what I did with the 8 week ultasound pic of my baby and cant fathom taking the time to look for it let a lone scan and upload it here, SO....I googled "8 week ultrasound" and 'got a generic version for the sake of this post. Terrible, I know, but it looked pretty similar........pics of Bellybou' coming soon. I hope to write more often but cant make any promises.

Ballet and Basketball

2008-05-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say we have little proteges. It has been really fun to have the kids involved in activities. It makes us feel so official in our familial roles by having to "take Hayden to soccer". We may have been a little too in to our newfound official-ness when we decided to have Hayden in B ball, soccer and gymnastics all at the same time. He decided to cut out soccer with no influence from Brian, Im sure! Poor Halle's only thrill was to watch her brother in all his activities. The second of two in a row inevitable gets the shaft when you compare all you did with the first. I decided we needed to do something together. Ballet class, of course.

The few weeks before the class started I had been telling Halle all about it and she was getting really amped. When I was pregnant with Hal, the dancers I was teaching gave me a pair of ballet shoes (real ones) in the smallest size they make as a gift. They have been in the back of the closet for 2.5 years until last week when I pulled them out and realized THEY FIT. I almost cried. I remembered when I got them thinking it was going to be sooooooo long before they would fit her. The bittersweet day had come.

So we tried on the shoes and her leotard and practiced plie and passe around the house. When it came time for our first class we were very excited. We rushed to get there on time only to realize that, although I had written all the info down on my calendar, my failing mom brain won again and we missed the class because it stated 45 minutes earlier. It took everything with in me not to break down in tears right there in front of all the other moms and kids. I had only begun to realize the depth of the vested emotion here. After an unsuccessful first attempt, out of sheer desperation, I convinced the teacher (young high school gymnast), after telling her Halle was almost 3 (2 and 5 months counts as 'almost' right?) , to let her try to go in with the 4 and 5 year old class that was starting just then. I was thinking in my head there was no way Halle would do it because this whole time we'd been talking about us dancing together but I was desperate for any sort of consolation in my grief. To my utter surprise, she went right out there and joined the class. She followed all the teachers instructions, did all the stretches and even the across the floor! She was actually the most attentive one there. I was totally shocked. It was the most precious thing I had ever seen. I cant begin to explain the emotion that was going on inside me. All I know is that, as a dancer, watching your daughter in dance class for the very first time is SUPER intense. Everything Halle did amazed me. Poor Hayden who brought a backpack full of toys and books to occupy him did nothing but listen to me continually freak out as I was watching her. It went something like this:

"Hayden! Look at your sister! Look at her batmas, she it totally doing it!......Hayden! Look at Halle! Look, she's already in first position, she knows exactly what to do!!!"

She lasted about 25 minutes until she came running to me saying "no more passe, mommy, no more passe". It was good enough for me. 25 minutes was more than enough to get me rolling in all kinds of thoughts about whether Halle will really be good at Ballet (has my feet, bad news), what program I should put her in to begin and when, etc. etc. I always just thought we'd give Ballet a try and see what happened. If only it were really that simple!

I couldn't believe what had just happened to me. The whole rest of the day I had this awe struck favor for Hal. I was so so proud and it seems to cheesy but it was so real and intense. Like I said, I cant explain it but I have a feeling someone else might relate.

As for basketball, it is a blast to watch but there are really no emotions here......

Just a whole lot of excitement and encouragement when he makes a shot like he did here!

Nice form, eh? (Like I'd know!)

Mariposa

2008-04-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

The day has finally come. We have undergone a rite of passage into bonifide family life. We are proud new pet owners (if you don't count our 2 Nemos, four chickens and 17 ants that no longer reside inside the ant farm thanks to Halle who ripped the lid off and let them escape, as pet which we really don't because, well, they're just not the same). She won Hayden's affection after crawling into his lap as he and Brian were deciding which kitten to bring home. She's a lap cat for sure and is particularly fond of me which excites me greatly because all I've ever wanted these days was someone else who wants to snuggle in my face while sleeping and sit on me all day long!

She was a gift to Halle (who, like Boo from Monsters Inc., affectionately calls anything soft "kitty" and is in love with animals in general which makes us want to move before she gets any older and decides she should go to Davis and become a vet! Not that there is anything wrong with Davis it's just that we have already made it really clear to our kids that they don't really have a choice but to attend Cal Poly) from her daddy which was really cute. Hayden wanted to name her butterfly which we strongly opposed so we compromised and told him we could call her 'Mari' (properly pronounced MAU-dy for all you gringos like Brian), short for Mariposa which means butterfly in Spanish. Here she is.

Mama's Boy

2008-04-20T23:03:00.001-07:00

I know that the relationship of a mother to her son involves something special and unique, something different than what is had between a mother and daughter. Not having grown up with boys in the house, I had no idea of this special bond before my son was born. I saw a glimpse of it in my husband and his mother but I could never had imagined what was in store for me.......... Full-blown obsession, him with me, that is . What is a mother to do? The dilemma at hand seems of utmost importance. At a time when young boys are "typically" disconnecting from their mothers and identifying more and more with their fathers and their shared masculinity, my son in no less interested in me. I suppose I should be grateful for the undying affection knowing that there will come (and friends have reassured me that it WILL INDEED come) a time when he will want little or nothing to do with me, but I cant help but think that something needs to be done. I've spent hours mulling over this, praying and reading (not always the best thing) and I have come to a pretty solid conclusion. I will always gladly receive Hayden's love. I will never reject or be ungrateful for his affection. I will not always respond to him with the same sentimentality that he has with me. When he adoringly tells me that he loves me so much I will matter of factly tell him how I feel about him. I will continue to encourage him to bond with Brian in the best way I know how and I will continue to pray for their relationship. As of now, this is all I can do. I wonder if one day I will look back on all my concern and laugh and wish that I had cherished this time more........

A welcomed display of affection......posing for a few pictures without the cheeseball smile

Bug Watching

2008-04-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

We went to the park yesterday for some kite flying in hopes of getting the thing off the ground. All previous attempts had failed on account of lack of wind. This time however, we realized that this problem may not have been the wind at all but rather the quality of the kite. I guess thats what you get for $1.99 at Walmart. Anyway, we decided to make use of a beautiful afternoon by hunting for bugs in an overgrown empty lot just up the street from the park. The bug obsession is genetic apparently. Im just glad we didn't come home with any pets!

Hayden was dressed for the occasion in camo.

Viewing the larva of some bug and listening to a lecture on its particular life cycle. Thrilling!

The afternoon was almost ruined when Brian (jokingly) told Hayden to watch out for snakes! Not funny, dad!

Halle need constant reassurance that the bugs would not hurt her. She turned to her daddy, of course.

All we really found were ladybugs..............

Spring Break

2008-04-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

This was the best spring beak I've had since college! Okay, its really the only "spring break" I've had since college but since Hayden didn't have preschool and I didn't have to teach dance (which restricts me from traveling anywhere during the week, ever) I felt FREE. We hit the road to grandmas and had an action packed week filled with Shopping (of course, it's OC!), Disneyland, Hayden's first Major League baseball game (Go Angels!) and of course, the beach. Whew. As if that wasn't enough, we left OC to join up with the rest of the Ganyo fam (and several friends) in Santa Cruz where Auntie Jenny ran a half marathon. Here's a pic of me and the SIL after our races (I just ran the 10K, Im done with half marathoning for now!)

Old Stomping Grounds

2008-04-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

We spent a weekend in SLO a few weeks a go. I should say we spent the weekend in South SLO County because that seems to be the place to be these days! And we were glad to be there. The company of good friends was like medicine. We celebrated our brother in law's graduation from Cal Poly, reconnected with dear friends, and hit the beach (despite the freezing cold and windy weather) in hopes of some decent family photos. Many thanks Kacy who bore the elements with us and managed to get quite a few good shots despite Halle's dreadful unwillingness to cooperate. Here are a few of the only real family pics we have since Jenny and Ryan's wedding 16 mo. ago.

Easter

2008-03-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

This year seemed particularly stressful due to the fact that its next to impossible to get a picture of the four of us where everyone looks normal. sigh......someday

We Finished!

2008-03-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

Here's some pics of the big race. We both finished and remained injury free which were the main goals. I finished in 2:11 and Brian shortly after at 2:17. The family was there to cheer us on at mile 11 and 12, just when we needed it the most!

2008-03-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

"The Woodland Police Dept. locates a stolen vehicle after the driver led the Yolo County Sheriffs Dept. on a high-speed pursuit. The driver reached speeds of 100 mph on Saturday morning, shaking off Sheriff's deputies cars near the Yolo-County Fairgrounds. A Woodland Police K-9 unit located the suspected driver one block away on Gum St. and Barbara Way, where the suspect was taken into custody."

-Woodland Daily Democrat

We're really glad they finally caught this guy because the truck you see there is Brian's. It was stolen from in front of our house at about 5 pm on Friday. Thankfully it was returned to us but not after he dumped the entire contents of the truck including both our car seats, our best stroller, favorite sippy cups and other necessary and favorite belongings. These items have yet to be recovered. I don't know that I would want them back now anyway not knowing where they've been. Poor Brian was caring for the kids by himself last weekend when it happened. Such is life I suppose, worse things could have been.........

Halle Turns Two!

2008-03-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

Running

2008-02-25T15:38:00.001-08:00

One of the reasons I have been such an infrequent visitor of cyberspace and subsequently neglected our blog for months now is that we have been training to run a half marathon. The race is in three weeks. Being the non-runner that I am, the training has taken quite a toll on my body and required me to get more rest than I had previously been in the habit of getting. (Like now I need 6 hours of sleep a night instead of 4) No longer can I loose myself in blog world until 2 am. I happily welcome the change however. Running has always been so intimidating to me. I have never EVER done it on any sort of regular basis so this race is a huge accomplishment for me to say the least. I have also really loved the way that running seems to have slowed me down. Longer runs provide an excellent time of stillness and rejuvenation of mind (despite the strain on the body) and I can feel the effects of it in my daily life as well. Ill be sure to post some pics after the race as I will be extremely proud and want to share. Wish me (us, Brian's running too) luck!

Golf Lessons from Grandpa

2008-02-25T15:22:00.000-08:00

Christmas...a little late

2008-02-25T15:16:00.000-08:00

So now that its almost March I thought I would change the Christmas header on our blog and post some pics of the holidays. Better late than never. Sadly, I dont have any other newer pics to post anyway. We've been a little busy around here.

Dennis the Menace Park

2008-01-08T14:01:00.000-08:00

We discovered the coolest park ever in Monterey.
It was called Dennis the Menace Park and it had this big old rail car that they turned into a climbing structure for kids. Hayden could not get enough. They also had some really big slides but Halle did't think they were very fun. The view of the ocean was nice too!

Family Vacation

2008-01-07T21:52:00.000-08:00

One of the perks of Brian's job is that we occasionally get to tag along with him on a business trip. This time we stayed with him during his conference in Monterey. We stayed in a sweet hotel and had a blast just hanging out. It was so fun to get away with the kids. I realized how consumed I am with my own stuff I have going on when at home. I am often so distracted and thus don't do as many fun things with the kids as I would like. Here's some pics of our trip. (BTW, that is supposed to "Monterey" on that photo, Im too lazy to go back and change it.)

It's been a while

2007-12-21T15:44:00.000-08:00

since I have written on my other blog. For those of you who read it, I posted something today and hope to do so more often now. Just thought Id let you know assuming that the few readers previously interested probably have given up on me..... sorry for the silence.

Woah Blogger...

2007-11-28T14:51:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed the new posting features on blogger. Its confusing me and I havn't quite figured out how to make it work yet hence the appearance of the entry below.

FrankenFinger

2007-11-28T14:23:00.000-08:00

Yikes! Warning: Not for the squeemish....

So, Tuesday before Thanksgiving Hayden and I were baking the grahmcrackers we needed for the crust of our (amazing) pumpkin cheesecake. This was to be the first step in the multiple day bake off taking place at our house. This year, I was in charge of dessert, not just for Thursday, but for the whole weekend, for 23 people. Needless to say, I had a very detailed plan of attack. There was little room for delay if I was going to succeed at this task and also have time to whip out some homemade bread to substitute the traditional store bought roles. I was taking all this very seriously, a little to seriously come to find out, because I saw this as my opportunity to finally prove myself qualified to handle a significant portion of famous Ganyo Family feast. I was feeling hurried and distracted by my kids. I was loosing focus when all of the sudden focus flew out the window all together as I heard Hayden screaming OWIE! OWIE!.........With one glance I knew we were headed to

the hospital. He had got ahold of my

newly honed Santoku knife and cut

deep into his finger. Blood was

gushing everywhere (save the cracker

dough, thank goodness!) and I could see fat cells streaming out.

Four hours and seven stitches later we were at Baskin Robbins for dollar

scoop night. We first told Hayden that we would buy him as many scoops of ice cream as he had stitches. I was thinking he would only need 3! By the fifth one we regreted our promise. (Dont worry, we only got him 2 in the end, he didnt really know the difference.)

Sewing up a three year olds finger

was no simple task. They required he

be wrapped like a mummy in a sheet

and pinned down so he couldn't move! It was a painful 45 minutes for everyone but Hayden did great.

Hopefully, we can make it to the end

of the year without another visit to

the ER!

This Year At Apple Hill

2007-11-28T14:10:00.000-08:00

One of our family traditions is to go to Apple Hill in the Fall. We usually go before Halloween but this year we didn't make it until November. We visited a new spot this year, High Hill, which features a well stocked trout fishing pond that is an absolute rip off. They make you pay 8$ per pound for the fish you catch and fine you 100$ for throwing one back! Like anyone would even eat them.....who knows what they put in the water or feed them! There was lots of other fun stuff though and most importantly, lots of sweet apple treats!